Kate Middleton’s Nipple Button Coat reminded me of the subliminal ways Kate conveys messages through fashion and body language. While the Palace may frown on Kate baring her bits on balconies and flashing her privates wherever there is breeze, Kate still manages to draw attention to her genitalia. As she would have been taught in her Art History classes, one way to direct the focus of a viewer’s eyes is with hand placement. Kate likes to keep hers on her crotch, either with a clutch pressed up against her vagina (technically speaking her mons pubis and labia majora) or bare-handing it.
Hilary Mantel incurred public wrath by pointing out, “a royal lady is a royal vagina.” Kate Middleton landed her prince by being sexually available to him any time, day or night, so much so that Prince William’s Royal Protection Officers were credited with giving her the nickname “The Mattress”. As a duchess, Kate has dutifully produced the heir with the spare on the way. Perhaps Kate keeps her hands over her vagina because she’s publicly praising it for a job well done.
At least that’s the explanation that’s the least disturbing to me. Because otherwise we get into some very unsettling scenarios. Like is the constant crotch-touching a silent cry for Monistat? Is her vagina haunted and she has to muffle the spooky ghostly moans coming from within? Does she keep a colony of bees in her vagina because Wills enjoys fresh honey and she’s afraid the little workers will escape? And most importantly, does Rebecca Deacon follow behind Kate with a bottle of Purell giving courtesy squirts to all of those who have had to touch Kate’s hands after they’ve been resting on her mons pubis and labia majora?
To kick off the week, here’s a Kate Crotch Clutching Collage. I just Googled “Kate Middleton” for images to screen grab, no other search terms were required since there are probably more photos of her touching her nether regions than not. This crotch-clutcher will be called Queen Catherine one day, assuming the British Monarchy doesn’t crash and burn by then and Kate’s marriage remains intact. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I’m sure Kate’s still got a few tricks up her skirt to remind William why he settled for her in the first place.
Where could Kate have learned that a crotch is a socially acceptable resting spot for hands? Perhaps Carole knows.