Tag Archives: Royal Variety Performance

Cosplay Kate

On Friday, Kate Middleton briefly united fans, critics and the media by wearing a Jenny Packham gown to the Royal Variety Performance that pretty much everyone agreed made her look like Elsa from Frozen.  Check out where Elsa’s hands are, did Disney animators and Kate go to the same princess training school?

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It’s one of those dresses that doesn’t look terrible from a distance but upon closer examination reveals itself to be sparkle chaos, the sequins, beads and crystals creating a glittery crustiness that haunts you like a grey hotdog from a street vendor.

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The madness is mesmerizing, there are clusters that sort of resemble butterflies, hanging embellishments that look like they could be tassels or dangling crystals or maybe a secret SOS message to an even more secret lazy royal advocacy group that she’s being forced to duchess against her will.

I for one am here for Cosplay Kate as long as it’s not all Jane Austen and lace. The next time she plans to flit off to Mustique, she should dress up as Mystique for whatever pre-flight engagement she has.

A Tweet by Jason Manford revealed that sitting there while being entertained had taken its toll on Prince William and Kate.

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William’s divide and conquer strategy so they could get out of there in ten minutes would have allotted 24 seconds with each performer, assuming both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did their equal share, which doesn’t sound like a lot of time because it’s not.  In The Princess Bride, Inigo Montoya’s famous line, “Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die,” took approximately 8 seconds so technically both the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge could have introduced themselves and delivered a very succinct mission statement about revenge twice in 24 seconds, with 8 seconds left for a handshake and to advance to the next person.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the plan for the modern monarchy involves a tee shirt canon and a moving walkway like the one at the Tower of London to minimize the amount of time the future king and his consort are forced to spend with the commoners.  Both William and Kate can zip past a waiting group as they fire customized tee shirts at them with “Fuck off” on the front and on the back something like, “These shirts were so expensive, your taxes have been quadrupled and all of you now live in a yellow submarine.  By yellow submarine, we mean a cardboard box dogs have peed on.  But seriously, peasants are gross.”

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Lack of Sartorial Variety at Royal Variety Performance

On Thursday night, Kate Middleton and Prince William attended The Royal Variety Performance.

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And she didn’t wear the black lace Alice Temperley.  Instead she wore black lace Diane Von Furstenberg. This is one of Kate’s best looks to date and yet, it falls a little flat.

Don’t get me wrong, she looks lovely.  But she is a beautiful thirty-two year-old woman with nearly limitless resources who could have looked spectacular.

Due to the thrice-repeated Alice Temperly dress, we’ve seen her in floor-length black lace.

KateBlackLaceAliceTemperleyWe’ve also seen that neckline before.

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We’ve even seen it with three quarter lace sleeves.

KateLaceNecklineThis is Kate’s first time representing Her Majesty at The Royal Variety Show.  And she chose the color black which Queen Elizabeth very rarely wears.  Her Majesty believes the monarchy should be visual representations of blossoming hope for the future.  The future that Kate is representing photographs flatly.

In 1962, this is what the then 36 year-old monarch wore to the Royal Variety Performance.

queen1962I’m not a fan of fur, but it was a different time.  Queen Elizabeth looks breathtaking.

Granted, Kate is a duchess married to the second-in-line to the throne and not the reigning queen, but she could have evoked the same kind of glamorous regal grandeur without overstepping her position.

Tonight’s accessories and make-up are unmemorable.

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Kate’s gone with an ever-so-slightly darker version of her smoky-eye and nude lip day make-up which she never strays from despite a self-professed love of make-up.  The earrings are blue topaz circles with diamond accents designed by Kiki McDonough which she’s worn before at a Creative Industries reception and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Concert.  They are pretty, but certainly not spectacular.  Blue topaz is a semi-precious stone that tends to disappear on skin, the understated design makes these earrings more suitable for an awards luncheon.  From beneath her hem peaked black platform Jimmy Choos as she clutched a black beaded evening bag to her favorite resting spot, no nailpolish to even brighten up her crotch clutching, her hair the same loose chignon that has become one of the very few up-do’s she wears.

Kate’s look this evening is merely slight variations on other looks we’ve seen before.

It’s said that the Royal Variety Show is the least favorite event on the Royal Family’s official calendar, Prince Charles and Camilla have attended on the Queen’s behalf in recent years.  Last year Camilla wore custom Vivienne Westwood gown and a sapphire brooch converted into a pendant.

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That necklace was not on loan from the Queen, but Camilla has on many occasions worn some of Her Majesty’s spectacular jewels, including major pieces such as the Boucheron tiara, the Delhi Durbar Tiara, the Collet Coronation Necklace, and the Greville Diamond Necklace.  To date, Kate has only been lent four pieces: the Cartier Halo Tiara on her wedding day, The Maple Leaf Brooch for the Canada tour, the Nizam of Hyderabad Necklace for the National Gallery Portrait Event earlier this year and the Fern Brooch for the New Zealand tour.  I was curious to see if The Queen would loan Kate any pieces for her first Royal Variety Performance, it would have been the perfect opportunity to dispel some of the swirling rumors that Kate is feuding with the Queen over her work ethic and that the marriage of Kate and Prince William is on shaky ground.  I wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t.  Maybe the Queen was just concerned she wouldn’t get one of the priceless pieces back in case Kate scampered directly back to Bucklebury and feared it would wind up on Pippa demonstrating the perfect keg stand on The Today Show.

So far I’m not impressed with stylist/assistant Natasha Archer’s choices for Kate, if she was involved at all with this look.  Kate looked beautiful but underwhelming.

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