Tag Archives: The Duchess of Cambridge

The British Royal Family’s Gift of Unmethodical Madness

Normally this time of year, royal watchers just get to see slivers through car windows of members of the British Royal Family on their way to the Queen’s Christmas lunch at Buckingham Palace. This week, however, the Royal Family got all of us the gift of drama and there’s no gift receipt so it’s not like we can exchange it for something else like… I don’t know… maybe the absence of drama or even a baker boy hat so we can look cute while watching Apocalyptic levels of melt-down on Royal Twitter.

On Monday, @KensingtonRoyal released a creepy Christmas photo of the Cambridges.  Between Kate missing an arm, dead smiles, sterile background, an unconvinced George and the expression on Charlotte’s face warning us that the man with the bloody axe is behind us, it’s not hard to imagine why Lupo might not have wanted anything to do with this family portrait.

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On Wednesday, Princess Michael who is married to the Queen’s cousin, decided the perfect way to welcome Meghan Markle into the Royal Family was with a racist brooch.

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If Princess Michael didn’t have past incidents like yelling “go back to the colonies” at black diners at a restaurant in New York City and saying she couldn’t possibly be racist because she thinks black people are “adorable”, then it would be easier to cut her some slack.  Because really, who wears a racist brooch to meet a biracial woman?  Who would even own a racist brooch?  Jewelry should never be used for evil.  Someone needs to take away that woman’s tiaras while she thinks about what she’s done.

Even if you give Princess Michael the benefit of the doubt, there is basically only one scenario that would explain why she would ‘accidentally’ wear a racist brooch and that’s if she was thinking to herself, ‘I hope Meghan knows I’m not the racist my own words prove me to be, I have lots of black friends like that girl who brought me my coat that one time and… and… that blackamoor brooch. I know, I’ll wear the brooch to make her feel at home, maybe she’s descended from the slave it was modeled after. God, I’m such a good person. I should be Queen.’

Princess Michael has since pseudo-apologized through a representative who noted that it was “a gift and has been worn many times before.”  I did a quick Google search and couldn’t find evidence of past racist brooch outings (which doesn’t mean it hasn’t been worn before, it just means I gave up before finding the photos) but if it’s indeed had multiple wearings then why didn’t someone mention to Princess Michael that she might not want to wear such an offensive piece, especially since she has tons of brooches that aren’t?  Just a hint of her massive collection:

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While some people have managed to blame the incident on Meghan for being too black or not black enough, most aren’t buying that this was an innocent whoopsie:

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On Thursday, Kensington Palace Tweeted out a total of three engagement photos of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the third candid shot being shared as a thank you for all the lovely wishes.  They had been taken earlier in the week at Frogmore House by photographer hottie Alexi Lubomiriski.

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They are gorgeous photos of gorgeous people in a gorgeous setting, but I’m still not sure why in the second one, Meghan is touching Prince Harry’s face like she’s pretending she’s Mary Ingalls trying to get a sense of what her fiancé looks like.

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It just seems so contrived.  Normally photos of eyes wide shut are automatically tossed.  If eyes are the windows to the soul, is the message here that Meghan’s heart is closed to Harry until further notice?  If so, it sucks to be him, but maybe select another one from the photos celebrating their love.

And Harry wrapping Meghan up in his coat like he’s Mark Darcy with a new diary?  Colin Firth did it better.   Harry’s only got a couple of inches of spare coat fabric, someone who likes us just as we are would make sure his coat went around before referencing an iconic movie scene.

In the third photo, Meghan is hanging on Prince Harry, body language we’ve seen before in the pictures from Jamaica.  It’s a little bit needy, a little bit possessive and a little bit Mariah Carey.  I mean, Meghan looks like she’s literally dragging him down.  Alexi Lubomiriski is an insanely talented photographer and there’s no doubt they were given lots of amazing pictures to choose from so it’s interesting these were the photos they selected, the ones that spoke to them as a couple.

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In two of the three photos that were released, Meghan and Prince Harry look like they are dressed for two very different occasions with Meghan off to the Golden Globe Awards while Prince Harry is off to his job as a Human Resources Manager at a pharmaceutical company.  And does Harry just own that one suit?  Or is it like a superhero costume thing and he’s got multiples?

What really riled royal watchers up, though, is the price tag of the Ralph & Russo gown Meghan wore, estimated to cost £56,000 (around $75,000).

I’m of about 417 different minds on this and none of them agree.  It’s a stunning dress, Meghan looks glamorous and just ridiculously beautiful in it and she’s getting married, if you aren’t going to splash out when promising to spend a lifetime with someone then really nothing is worth celebrating.  But $75,000?  Holy fuck knuckles that’s an obscene amount of money for one frock.  The Palace said it was paid for privately but gave no information on who actually purchased it.  Meghan could have easily paid for it out of the $5 million or so she earned as an actress.  Prince Harry could have paid for it out of money he has inherited.  Or Prince Charles could have paid for it out of the Duchy of Cornwall which means technically taxpayers paid for it in which case every single resident of the UK should get to borrow it at least once.

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A gown that expensive seems a curious choice for someone who describes herself as a humanitarian because I don’t know how someone can reconcile knowing the dire conditions in which so many are living and such a lavish purchase.  It just seems a bit tone deaf to the fact that in her new country at a time of austerity, hard-working taxpayers are having to rely on food banks because they can’t scrape up enough money to feed their children while this winter tens of thousands in the UK will freeze to death in their own homes which they can’t afford to heat.  The gown’s cost raises the concern that Meghan might be going the Marie Antoinette route instead of becoming the Diana 2.0 her estranged half-sister Samantha and her former friend Ninaki Priddy claim she’s been plotting to become since childhood.  On the other hand, that gown is phenomenal so good for her.

As royal watchers were still fiercely debating Meghan’s engagement gown cost, on Friday the Daily Mail ran an article about Kate Middleton spending £119,000 ($160,000) on new clothing and accessories this year. That’s a whole lot of money for very little return, Kate’s numbers will be abysmally low again this year. Curious timing for the Daily Mail to run that piece.  With Meghan now in the fold, I think we’ll start seeing the press play all sorts of new reindeer games.

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The Cambridges Goth Protest Too Much, Methinks

Well, the Cambridges posed for a family photo for Prince William’s GQ article and the family portrait that was released is… well, it’s just bloody awful.

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It’s like The Addam’s Family on acid.  I’m not sure why George is crawling into the photo, he’s going the wrong way.  Run George, run!  And take your sister, who is presumably looking at her nanny out of frame, with you.

Remember how creepy and lifeless the family photo taken for Kate Middleton’s first Mother’s Day was?

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It’s like the photographer for this GQ piece, Norman Jean Roy, looked at that one and said, “Hold my beer.”

I’ve got an inner goth girl and would describe my personal aesthetic as Haunted Bordello, but even I wouldn’t have this copy of GQ in my home for fear the maniacally grinning Kate would crawl from the pages and attempt to devour my soul.  More hair has been PhotoShopped on Prince William, but his head still looks like a menacing floating orb, his grimacing smile that of a demonic Bugs Bunny.

How are they finding these photographers, do they say “Beetlejuice” three times and ask him for a recommendation?

In the Daily Mail article, there is a quote from Prince William reflecting on his mother’s death: “I still find it difficult now because at the time it was so raw. And also it is not like most people’s grief, because everyone else knows about it, everyone knows the story, everyone knows her.”

To be fair, one of the first things grief counselors are taught is that no two people grieve the same but quite a few people took issue with Prince  William’s choice of words in comment sections and on social media with one cherished member of this community summarizing it on Twitter as “elitist”.  I have tremendous sympathy for Prince William and can’t imagine what it was like for him at such a young age, but the phrasing makes it seem like he’s saying his grief is special because his mother was famous.

Prince William was also quoted as saying, “I want George to grow up in a real, living environment, I don’t want him growing up behind palace walls, he has to be out there. I will fight for them to have a normal life.”

Does Prince William mean the normal life George has at the Anmer Hall Fortress of Solitude and occasionally Kensington Palace from which he only ever seems to escape when accompanied by Nanny Maria or sometimes Carole Middleton?  And that normal life, that’s amongst the taxpayers who are threatened with lawsuits should they dare take a photo of George despite it being perfectly legal, right? Or will actors be cast and sets made to create charming little plays about real life as Marie Antoinette enjoyed doing?  Normalcy is such a lark.  For a really good time, Prince William should try giving it a go without all the taxpayer-funded perks.  The rest of us are having a blast.

If Prince William truly wants George to grow up in “a real, living environment”, the first step would probably be putting an end to the spooky family portraits that make the Cambridges look like menacing specters.  Even poor Lupo looks like some black shadow figure hunting for ghost prey.

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Kate Middleton’s Masks

“Virtue has a veil, vice a mask.”
-Victor Hugo

Kate Middleton is a woman with multiple pairs of nearly identical court shoes and even more virtually indistinguishable masks she wears to her official engagements, casting them off and forgetting about them until she needs to show up in public again to convince the masses she is keen on doing whatever her Communications Secretary proclaims is close to her heart.

Tom Sykes wrote a piece recently in which he discussed growing disenchantment with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Sykes noted, “If William and Kate do slip up, the press, who have showed Olympian levels of restraint in their coverage of the royals in recent years, will eat them alive, so heavily built up is the resentment from a series of sleights, non-co-operation and attempts to cut them out of the picture.”

At Kate’s last two engagements on Wednesday for Action for Children, a patronage passed to her by the Queen, there was a curious lack of royal correspondents discussing the events on Twitter.  I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

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Rebecca English from the Daily Mail was supposed to be there but had to cover an event at Clarence House instead because of a “childcare crisis” but overall the general Twitter hum generated by a Kate engagement was more of a ho-hum.

Kate wore a burgundy suit by Paule Ka which she first debuted in 2012.

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Not only is the skirt surprisingly short for official engagements requiring a lot of crouching down, it looks surprisingly like my Christmas tree skirt that disappeared several years ago.  Now, I’m not accusing the designer of breaking into my home and raiding my holiday decorations, but it’s good to know there are replacements out there for it.  Quite frankly, it might be best covering the base of a tree because I noticed a number of photos with this happening on Kate.

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Once dubbed a modern fairytale princess, Kate no longer draws crowds like she once did.

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Comments on the Daily Mail article about Wednesday’s engagements made observations that Kate “seems like an empty soul” and “looks so insincere”.

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Despite the usual photo props of cute children and lovely bouquets, all was not grins and roses.  BBC Wales News posted a video with the kind of kid hug footage that’s usually instant PR gold.

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Unfortunately, they missed the frames in which Kate was switching masks, like when Kate turned away from the cute cuddlers and made an annoyed face with her eyes shooting daggers.

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And of course there was the face she made when she realized she would have to turn back to the adorable tykes to say goodbye and thank you.

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I’m not sure why becoming a Disney princess ranks highly for so many, but I guess I’m cool with it as long as becoming a Disney villain ranks lower.

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If Kate can’t handle these mini bursts of engagements without being able to convincingly feign an appearance of not being resentful towards her duties, there’s little hope for the monarchy marathon.  Kate got her prince but it seems it never occurred to her that after her wedding she wouldn’t be able to disappear into the words “and they lived happily ever after”.

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Cornwall Tour Light

On Thursday, Prince William and Kate Middleton began a two day mini tour of Cornwall and the Isles of Scilly, staying at the historic 16th century Restormel Manor in Lostwithiel on Thursday night.  This Tour Light is the Cambridge’s first official visit to Cornwall which will one day give them millions of reasons to stick with the royaling.  The Duchy of Cornwall presently provides Prince Charles with approximately £20million in annual income and will pass to William when Charles gets kinged.

For Day 1, Kate wore a Lela Rose dress (initially sold for $1,295) which has the same cut as most of her dresses in the same shade of PMS pink as the McQueen pieces she debuted in Adelaide.  This isn’t Kate’s first Lela Rose dress, the US designer also made the white doily dress Kate wore to the reception hosted by Australia’s Governor General.  Kate’s accessories with this pink dress underwhelmed with her Kiki McDonough earrings getting lost in her hair and the beige Monsoon wedges receiving the brunt of the criticism.  Wedge dismay appeared in the top ten highest rated comments of the Daily Mail piece on the first day of the tour.

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Throughout the day’s events, Kate’s fingers frequently retreated into her hair sparking critical comments on social media while Kate’s rapid fire facial expression rotation left me with second-hand TMJ.  Kate appeared to be on stage  in a summer improv class with an instructor commanding her, “You’re sad.   You’re a sad tree.  You’re Howdy Doody.  You’re Howdy Doody telekinetically making soup with too much parsley.  Now you’re a spider monkey.  You’re a sexy spider monkey.  You’re a sexy tree that just ate a sad spider monkey.”  No smile was too big to fake, no sympathetic head tilt too steep to make.  Just some of the many Faces of Kate on Thursday:

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If only Kate cared as much about her posture as her exaggerated expressions.  The last person with this much of a hunched back lived in a bell tower:

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It can’t be comfortable to sit like that.  She looks like she has a turtle head poking out of a pink shell.

Arriving by helicopter on Thursday, the Cambridges started off the Cornwall tour-ette with a stop at Truro Cathedral where they signed a slate for their £3.2 new roof campaign.

Afterwards, they went on a royal walkabout.

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Kensington Palace naturally went with a photo on Twitter where the crowd was a little denser.  No wonder they want royal reporting to become an extinct profession, they aren’t drawing the same kind of crowds anymore, although there was much more of a turn-out in Cornwall than at recent events.

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Prince William and Kate hit another drop-in centre, the Zebs Youth Centre  which provides local adults-to-be with creative outlets.  After a tour, both Prince William and Kate admitted it took a long time to figure out what they wanted to be when they grow up.

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Strange remarks considering Prince William has had that future king gig on hold for him and Kate seems pretty fixed on a life of doing as much nothing as humanly possible.

Prince William and Kate headed to Healeys Cyder Farm which is celebrating its 30th Anniversary.

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Kate passed on the cider but did take a small sip of whiskey suggesting she is probably not presently pregnant despite her small B Cups looking like they got a visible boost.  I guess sometimes good bras happen to lazy duchesses.

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Kate also got hands-on with a horse, putting to rest horse allergy rumors.  The rumor traces back to Kate herself at a polo match during the Waitying Years.  When Australian writer Kathy Lette asked Kate why she didn’t play, Kate retorted that she was allergic.  Unaware that Kate was on a royal girlfriend high horse, Kathy took Kate’s cold brush-off at face value and repeated her remarks.  Horses got back at Kate during the royal wedding, though.  Reportedly several of the horses were unusually difficult to handle that day with one horse throwing its rider near the carriage and making a break for it, spooking Kate in the process.  But on Thursday when the Duchess of Cambridge met Duchess the horse, there appeared to be no hard feelings.

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They checked out development projects in Nansledan and Tregunnel Hill before wrapping the day up on Newquay’s Towan Beach.

I’m sure it was a total coincidence the royal press pack was left to wait for William and Kate’s arrival at the water’s edge with the tide rising.

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The Cambridges met with the group Young People Cornwall Wave Project which uses surfing to promote mental well-being.

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At the photo-op, the Cambridges went with I’m-not-a-regular-Mom-I’m-a-cool-Mom gnarly hand gestures.  Somewhere Prince George and Princess Charlotte instinctively shuddered and died a little inside.

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What makes it an even more cringe-worthy photo is the placement of Kate’s other hand.  She looks like she’s diddling Miss Daisy, tickling her ivories, dancing with herself…

Despite there being much to criticize, there were also moments where the Cambridges seemed to have genuine moments with people sincerely excited about seeing them.

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That’s what I find so frustrating about Prince William and Kate.  They are both capable of performing their duties and giving people wonderful memories they will carry with them throughout their lives.   How can anyone capable of providing flickers of happy or at least a little brightness in the lives of others merely by showing up resist engagements and hole up in the Fortress of Solitude?  Hopefully whatever they decided they want to be when they grow up will involve performing their duties and serving those who support the monarchy.

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Hello Sailor-ing with Ben Ainslie

On Friday, Kate Middleton went to Portsmouth for some Hello Sailor-ing with Ben Ainslie who holds four gold Olympic medals and one silver in sailing and is trying to win the 2017 America’s Cup for Britain for the first time in the competition’s history.

Kate interacting  with the very dreamy Ben Ainslie is my very favorite Kate of all.  She’s vibrant, engaged, and doesn’t have that glassy-eyed wide-grinned  glazed look of a Xanax-Percocet combo with Stockholm Syndrome chaser like she did last Sunday at Land Rover Presents The Queen’s Birthday.

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Kate is so interested and alert in Ben Ainslie’s presence, I’m not even going to make a joke about this being a check for lobotomy scars.

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Kate met with some kids and got a special Ben Ainslie-guided tour around the £12M operations building which received £7.5M from central government funding.  The Daily Mail provided lots of adorable photos from which these screen grabs were taken.

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Kate slipped out of her nautical McQueen and the Precious and into something a little more Land Rover-branded.

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It was so totally adorable the way Ben Ainslie made sure Kate’s helmet was properly fastened.

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Although it’s possible Ben has seen Kate attempt to clap and didn’t want to take any chances with helmet safety.

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Kate and Ben obviously get along swimmingly with Kate even baring her teeth which is how I’ve theorized in the past Duchess Limpets signal sexual availability.

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Not that I think Kate would actually cheat on Prince William, but flirting with Ben Ainslie is the most normal and relatable thing I’ve ever seen her do. Ben Ainslie is also married with a baby on the way so I doubt he’s guilty of flirting with intent but there definitely seems to be some mutual  chemistry between the two.

Kate and Ben set sail on the Land Rover BAR catamaran.

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This was Kate’s seventh official Ben Ainslie event since becoming involved in his bid to bring the America’s Cup to the UK two years ago.  It’s pretty safe to say Ben Ainslie’s America’s Cup bid is the cause closest the Kate’s heart since Kate had around five hours for Ben Ainslie on Friday and yet only twenty minutes to spare for a recent teen suicide awareness talk and none at all for the Irish Guards on St. Patrick’s Day.

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Friday’s Portsmouth events saw three outfits and yet Kate rarely even bothers to take her coat off for visits to her other charities, like when she popped into St. Catherine’s Primary School for a Place2Be assembly sing-along earlier this year, her sixth Place2Be event since becoming Patron in 2013.

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East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices has only seen Kate four times since becoming their patron in 2012 with the latest official event coming in under thirty-five minutes.  EACH just deals with critically ill children, though, and the America’s Cup is so shiny.

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America’s Cup historian John Rousmaniere was quoted in a recent CNN article: “The cost of competing in the world’s oldest continuous sporting event is so “extravagant” that only the very wealthy can afford it.”

The article also noted, “In 2013,  the $100 million price tag for each of the teams meant there were only three challengers.”

BAR (Ben Ainslie Racing) was officially launched on June 10, 2014 at an event attended by the Duchess of Cambridge.  Its initial investors are listed in an October 6, 2014 post on Ben Ainslie’s official site.

In June 2015, BAR was renamed Land Rover BAR.

The aforementioned CNN article indicates, “Ainslie, the most successful sailor in Olympic history with four gold medals, has raised £50 million ($73 million) from various sponsors, including British car brand Land Rover and online trader CMC Markets. He’s targeting £80 million ($116 million).”

I love sailing, many of the happiest moments in my life have been spent on the water.  But this whole Land Rover BAR bid is about a trophy.  Can you imagine the kind of impact $116 million could make on the lives of those struggling in the UK?

I’m also curious about how Land Rover became involved with Ben Ainslie’s bid and if the undisclosed dealings between the British Royal Family and Land Rover is related.  Like maybe every time Kate gets photographed in a Land Rover, a set amount goes to Ben Ainslie’s bid.  A few months after the historic moment of Prince George being  taken home from the hospital in a Range Rover, the Daily Mail ran a piece on the Middletons being given luxury Range Rovers at a deeply discounted rate which was curious timing.  It’s possible Kate arranged some kind of Land Rover sponsorship deal on Ben Ainslie’s behalf in which case at least she would be using her powers for sort-of good.  It would be nice to see Kate’s enthusiasm for Ben Ainslie’s trophy quest applied to her other charities, though.

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Kate Middleton, Fashion Vampire

Vogue UK has decided to celebrate its 100th Anniversary with a cover so lifeless, a doctor would solemnly tell its loved ones, “The best we can do is make it comfortable… it’s just a matter of time.”

A magazine known for being a glamorous sumptuous feast of fashion decided that one hundred years was long enough and went full-on dull duchess.

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Vogue UK made a point to note, “Having participated in choosing not only the clothes worn in the shoot and the locations used as a backdrop, but also the photographer who captured the images, the Duchess was pleased with the resulting feeling of informality in the final shots.”

In other words, it’s not Vogue’s fault.  Kate decided to go all Jecca Craig on the cover on her own.

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This isn’t the first time Kate has sartorially referenced her romantic rival.  Back in August 2005, Kate wore an outfit similar to her Vogue cover to the Gatcombe Park Festival.

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That was a few months after Prince William dumped Kate for “more space” which quickly took the form of Jecca.

Many were surprised Kate had decided to do Vogue UK since five years ago several magazines were clamoring to feature the royal bride with Anna Wintour of Vogue US vigorously campaigning to have the duchess on the US cover, reportedly involving photographer Mario Testino in her crusade without success.  At the time a Palace aide noted, “Both William and Kate feel it would be wrong for Kate to promote herself as a fashion or style icon.  That’s not what they are about and they take their royal duties far too seriously to, in one sense, trivialize them.”

Apparently Kate finally realized no one is buying her as someone who takes her duties seriously so she might as well pose for Vogue, but in the drabbest clothing possible so no one could accuse her of trying to be a style icon.

Of course, British royals on the cover of Vogue UK is nothing new.

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Kate’s the first one, though, daring enough to embrace the bland sterility of a back-to-school clothing sale circular in the Sunday paper.  One editor quoted in The Daily Beast noted, “I think it’s an atrocious cover—especially for one that should be celebrating a momentous anniversary. 100 years of Vogue—a magazine that has published some of greatest, most groundbreaking photography and they use a bland Kay’s catalogue image.”

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The Vogue shoot was said to be a collaboration between the magazine and The National Portrait Gallery of which Kate is Royal Patron.  Two of the photos from the  shoot taken by photographer Josh Olins were hung as part of the gallery’s Vogue 100: A Century of Style.  This screen grab from The Guardian comes from an article entitled Kate’s Vogue shots shouldn’t be in a gallery. They’re not art.

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Reaction to the Indiana Jecca look was not positive overall, with fans taking to The Royal Family’s Facebook page to note that Kate looks very unKate:

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Although perhaps the real issue was that the photographer captured Kate’s essence a little too well.

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Others found the shoot itself in poor taste or inappropriate.

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Comments in the Daily Mail criticized Kate not having the time for her duties but plenty to spare for a photo shoot.

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On Twitter, royal correspondents and photographers were also critical of the photos.

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Kate’s Vogue hit the stands on Tuesday.  The rest of the photos are as equally uninspired, shot in January against a barren beige backdrop in Norfolk selected by Kate.

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Kate’s vision was for the spread to reflect her “private existence”, just not with her usual jeggings paired with one of her numerous black and white striped shirts or solid jumpers she normally wears, instead opting to protect her sartorial privacy by wearing an equally bland collection of contrived casual country clothing.

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Glamorous gowns and jewels set against the neutral winter country setting would have made for visually interesting photographs with the juxtaposition of elements representing the dual nature of Kate’s life.  Had Kate been wary of an overt display of opulence because of the criticism she’s faced over her pampered taxpayer-funded luxury lifestyle in a time of austerity, she could have still incorporated elements that would reflect more of who she is as a person or how her life has changed since joining the royal family five years ago.  One word Kate seems fond of lately is “surreal”.  Perhaps the media attention makes Kate feels like she exists in a sort Wonderland which could have been subtly referenced by her wearing a simple light blue dress with a black hair band while she sipped tea or sat at a table with cards in front of her.  Beyond a bicycle, there are no props in these photos to even indicate what she does with the vast majority of her time which is spent out of the public eye.  No camera hanging from a strap around her neck to represent her interest in photography, no children’s toys casually left on the lawn to hint at her identity as a mother, with the exception of Lupo in one photo, there are no other signs of life, not even smoke coming from a distant chimney to suggest a family which waits for her indoors.  It’s just simply a generically pretty airbrushed Kate, wearing entirely forgettable clothing in a beigely barren winter landscape.

The only possible hint at Kate’s personal interests is a curiously included shot in the magazine which caused a bit of social media buzz as people wondered if they were really seeing what they thought they were.

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Emily Andrews noted the picture was too blurry to positively ID what exactly was going on with the back of Kate’s jeans.  The picture is pretty fuzzy, but this is the area in question:

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Has Kate included a partial moon in her Vogue spread to show her cheeky side or is it perhaps something completely innocuous like a scarf tied around her waist with a pattern resembling butt cleavage?

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William and Kate’s Five Year Anniversary

Five years ago, Kate Middleton entered Westminster Abbey and emerged Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn and Lady Carrickfergus.  After a near decade-long wait to become Mrs. Prince William, the woman who had been referred to in the press as Waity Katie, The Mattress, Her Royal Thighness and the Royal Doormat was repackaged as a perfect fairytale princess.

The royal love story was respun to sound a bit less stalkery.  In “Kate, The Future Queen”, Katie Nicholls revealed that in order to increase her chances of becoming Mrs. Prince William, the Edinburgh-bound Kate decided to take a gap year and applied to be in Prince William’s class at St. Andrews.  William and Kate’s first meeting wasn’t even at St. Andrews, in the summer 1999 they were introduced by Emilia d’Erlanger at “Club H” at Highgrove, but Kate failed to make an impression on William.  Three years later, a sheer dress Kate wore at a charity fashion show finally did the trick.

In their eight years of dating before the engagement announcement,  Kate reportedly found herself cast aside for Jecca Craig at William’s 21st birthday party, in 2004 before exams, Kate was dumped for “more space” which then took the form of Jecca Craig, in 2005 Kate was briefly replaced by Isabella Calthorpe who decided the princess life wasn’t for her, and in April 2007 William broke up with Kate for a couple of months, infamously jumping up on a table after dumping her via cell phone, shouting, “I’m free!”  And yet, Kate still wanted to marry Prince William.

Kate’s wedding prep focused on the physical.  In addition to having her teeth fixed and extensive beauty treatments, Kate lost so much weight that at an engagement in Ireland before the wedding, a woman expressed concern Kate was becoming too thin.  Kate replied,  “It’s all part of the plan!”  The Palace Press Office tried to keep Kate’s comment contained, noting, “It’s a hugely private matter.”  It’s too bad Kate’s plan didn’t also include preparing for her new duties.

By all accounts, Kate was calm and composed before the wedding.  According to Marina Sandoval who did Kate’s manicure for the wedding, “She didn’t display an ounce of nerves.  She was just happy that the day was here at last.”  Her hair stylist Richard Ward noted, “She has been remarkably relaxed from the start… Everyone else was nervous, but not Kate. She just took it all in her stride and was calming everyone else down.”

There were no pre-wedding jitters or obvious nerves getting married in front of 1,900 guests and millions watching around the world.  Waity Katie who had been dubbed “Princess-in-Waiting” at Marlborough appeared triumphant about waitying no more.

Kate wore a classically pretty but somewhat underwhelming wedding dress by Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen, her wedding veil was so flat, it looked like she was wearing a stocking over her face to knock over a liquor store and the makeup which Kate did herself reminded me of the similarly heavy-handed application of a transvestite hooker who once told me that my outfit was fierce.

The 20 foot maple trees that decorated Westminster Abbey in hindsight feel like a prelude to the massive amount of privacy trees planted at Anmer Hall but at the time they just seemed ridiculous.  Kate filled the abbey with British flora, her Language of Flowers vision reportedly cost £50,000.

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When Kate said “I do”, she became an official representative of the UK and the monarchy, a job she appears to have had no intention of doing.

In the engagement interview, Kate stated, “I’m willing to learn quickly and work hard,” and yet in her five years since becoming a duchess, Kate has only delivered 8 short shaky speeches, gone on four royal tours and has undertaken a combined 390 engagements to date, a grand total for five years on par with what the 90-year-old Queen averages in one year (in 2014, the Queen undertook 393 engagements).

Ahead of the five year royal wedding anniversary, Ingrid Seward, editor-in-chief of Majesty magazine suggested that Kate’s dismal efforts are born from a fear she’s going to screw up royally.  Seward who must be suffering from amnesia noted, “She hasn’t made any mistakes, which is extraordinary when you think of how difficult it is for her.  I suppose the only mistake she’s made is that she’s probably seen not always as particularly interesting but I think she’s absolutely terrified of not doing it right.”

Really, Kate’s only short-coming is that she’s dull?  Just off the top of my head, Kate’s event totals are so dismally low, last year she only accounted for 1.66% of the royal family’s workload.  She’s been criticized for frequent luxury holidays, selecting more glamorous events like film premieres, Wimbledon, galas, wine tastings and ignoring ones that don’t seem to interest her, like those involving her charities that aren’t connected to Ben Ainslie.  Kate’s Received Pronunciation affectation has inhibited her ability to deliver the few brief speeches she’s attempted, causing her to mispronounce the name of the charity in one and struggle with words like “palliative” in others.  The occasional comments she makes at events lack substance but still are dutifully reported by the press because she offers nothing else of substance.  Actual Kate official event quotes include: “And can it… can you… um… test the… the smell by smelling it?”; “It’s very shiny.”; “Oh it’s actually not bad if you were desperately hungry.”; “I like your hair.”; “I like your nails.”; “No! Oh no, is that me? Is that meant to be me?  Does my hair really look like that!” (in response to a doll a girl was holding); “Oh, I know now who you are.  Although it’s very strange… now you have got facial hair.  Some of the people who had facial hair in the film don’t have facial hair now.” (in speaking to actor Tom Hiddleston); and most recently, when told of street children being mutilated to make money begging, she responded, “Gosh, so interesting.”

In her five years since joining the royal family, Kate has offended many by smiling, laughing, and playing with her hair during balcony appearances on Remembrance Sunday, sparking outrage in 2013 as she dreamily gazed off in the distance while twirling her hair during the solemn event.  Kate being a professed hands-on mother has been offered as the reason Kate puts in the fewest event totals each year in the British Royal Family and yet Prince George is most frequently papped with his nanny.  When George was seven months old, Kate had no trouble leaving him behind while she took a Maldives escape (her second luxury holiday in two months) with Prince William while her mother oversaw the shift in his care from Nanny Jessie Webb to Nanny Maria.  During the Cambridge’s controversial family ski get-away earlier this year, both Prince George and Princess Charlotte were left to the care of nannies while Kate and William took to the slopes because their children are obviously too young to ski yet.  Five years into being a duchess and Kate has had wardrobe malfunctions in the double digits and the Royal Flasher still has yet to undertake one single official tour without exposing herself while acting as an official representative of the United Kingdom and the British Monarchy.  That doesn’t sound like the actions of a “terrified” Kate.

As it turns out, there was another wardrobe malfunction in India on the final day of the royal tour.  My brain was frozen over with boredom by then and I missed it, so this is brought to you by royal watcher, Julie RocketQueen.  Apparently when Kate and William were recreating the iconic Princess Diana photo at the Taj Mahal, Kate flashed her undies.

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Kate’s panties were white with a four-petal flower design.  My apologies for the pixelation, but I don’t feel like hunting down a high resolution image since the pattern of the panties is visible in this pic, the flower’s outline appears to be dark blue with marigold centers.

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So maybe this second wardrobe malfunction is actually encouraging.  After five years of duchessing, the future Queen Consort is now finally wearing underwear.

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Another Quickie for Kate

Kate Middleton’s annual engagement numbers have recently gotten a boost to thirteen where royal rumors suggest she is going to hold until next month’s royal tour of Bhutan  and India.  In addition to the opening of a charity shop on Friday the 18th, the Court Circular wound up counting the “private engagement” at MayTree on March 10th and broke down suicide awareness events at Kensington Palace into two, the latter of which was also private.

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We’re 81 days into 2016 so 13 engagements is a disappointing total, especially considering how brief the most recent photo ops have been.  Royal-watchers RoyalObsessedinU.S. and Jennifer on Twitter commenting on the quick engagements noted that Friday’s event was just a hair above the 30 minute mark while the teen suicide awareness talk on the 10th lasted 20 minutes.

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Apparently Kate being keenly keen on keenness roughly translates to about a half hour of work these days.

After snubbing the Irish Guards on Thursday, Kate attended the opening of an East Anglia Children’s Hospices shop in Holt on Friday, just a short drive from Anmer Hall to which the Cambridges returned via helicopter on the 15th.  Kate’s appearance caused many to speculate that the real reason for Kate not handing out the shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day was a scheduling conflict with her hair.

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The fresh new color of Kate’s beefed-up bouffant even led to some musing that the grey John Boyd UFO hat Kate wore on Commonwealth Day was really all about hiding her roots.  Hopefully that’s it and Kate’s UFO hat wasn’t looking for intelligent life on Kate, its millenary overlords would be displeased by what it returned with.

Despite an obviously recent salon trip, Kate’s hair looked like it was involved in some kind of civil war tress distress with the add-on hair gaining combat advantage by seizing the high ground at her crown.

As this screen shot from the Daily Mail shows, to the wiglet go the spoils.

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Royal Correspondent, Richard Palmer, from the Express, posted a snap to Twitter from the engagement.

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For those distracted by the wheel-chair bound woman being used as a photo prop in the rain, this is a cropped version of the above depicting the tell-tale line.

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Reporter Ben Kendall’s pic post on Twitter afforded a different vantage point.

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One Daily Mail commenter noted that she felt bad for the woman in the photo op orchestrated to show how Kate “suddenly has compassion”.

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An atypically large crowd was gathered for the event, many of whom were children pulled from school and made to wait in the rain.  Several Daily Mail readers complained about this practice employed to beef up crowds in order to make royals look more popular, while one afforded insight into how children are made to stand for hours outside and told when to cheer.

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But I’m sure standing for hours outside for a woman who waited around nearly a decade to marry a prince and who rarely bothers to even wave to waiting crowds has great educational value.

If Kate has any lesson at all to teach children, it’s that what’s on the outside is what truly matters.  Kate’s arrival smirk shown in this Daily Mail screen grab suggests that even she bought the whole ruse.  I have no idea what exactly she’s doing with her crotch clutch hand, but kids, don’t try this in public.

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But skipping out on the St. Patrick’s Day’s day event did appear to leave at least some kind of indelible impression on Kate.  Or on her kneecap more specifically which the face of a leprechaun appears to now be inhabiting.

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Seriously, what’s up with that thing?  It looks like Kate’s knee now has extra pieces.  Her knees didn’t used to look like that.

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Just one of the many mysteries of Kate.

And as an aside, please follow me on Twitter @LoveLolaHeart.  I’m finally now using it, despite it being challenging for me to say anything in 140 characters or less.

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No Order in Kate’s Court

Our Fair Waity is all grown up and has attended her very first state banquet honoring Chinese President Xi Jinping.  Despite speculation to the contrary, it looks like after four and a half years of marriage and producing the heir and spare, Kate Middleton still hasn’t been awarded an order by Her Majesty.  No Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II, an honor bestowed on female members of the British Royal Family by Her Majesty.

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Royal Family Order of Queen Elizabeth II

Current members of the British Royal Family who have the Royal Family Order are Princess Anne, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Princess Alexandra, Birgitte, Duchess of Gloucester and Katharine, Duchess of Kent.  I guess even the Queen still thinks of the Duchess as Kate Middleton.

Kate’s third tiara event was a repeat of the Papyrus Lotus Flower tiara and the diamond drop earrings she paired with the tiara at the 2013 Annual Diplomat’s Reception.  With an Art Deco bracelet and diamond bangle on loan from the Queen, Kate wore a bespoke red Jenny Packham gown to the state banquet.

Just like in 2013, the paparazzi captured the Backseat Bentley Pre-Event Reveal.

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And Kate looked every inch the natural beauty that she is.

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Some plastic surgeons believe Kate has had more than one nose job. Hopefully Kate lays off of any further tweaking, the tip of her nose is starting to look like a butt.

On her way into the banquet held at Buckingham Palace, Kate did her signature crotch clutch move, engaging her escort, Wang Huning, in delightful disconnected silence.

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Not only does Kate struggle with giving speeches, she apparently struggles with listening to them as well.

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Kate was seated at the top table with the evening’s guests of honor.

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The future Queen Consort was partially obscured by a large candelabrum which I’m sure is entirely coincidental and not any kind of attempt to camouflage any potential gaffes made by the Duchess of Cambridge.

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