Tag Archives: The Firm

William the Reluctant

Prince William turned 32 on Saturday.  The father, husband and second in line to the throne of England is still no closer to figuring out what he wants to be when he grows up despite the birthright he still views as a birthwrong.  Today he wants to be a helicopter pilot, perhaps tomorrow he’ll want to be a cowboy.  Prince William is a man of many interests, none of which appear to be his role as a future king.

As a child, Prince William would notoriously stomp his feet and scream, “I don’t want to be king.”  As a teenager his outbursts against his inherited role were chalked up to teenage rebellion.  He resented both the media and his protection detail, shouting at both, “Why won’t you just let me be a normal person?”  When Wills aged past the age of hormonally-explained dissent, Prince Charles attempted to instill in him a sense of duty, resorting to getting third parties like protection officers to convince the petulant prince to embrace his destiny as king.  Now thirty-two, Prince William’s defiance involves less kicking, but he still appears just as reluctant to accept his destiny, a destiny for which his own mother believed that his brother Harry was better suited.

It’s anticipated that Prince William will soon announce that he’s accepted a position as a pilot for East Anglian Air Ambulance and that he, Kate and Prince George will ditch their digs in Kensington Palace which just cost taxpayers $6.8 million to renovate in order to take up residence at Anmer Hall, a hundred and twenty miles north of London.  So much for Kensington Palace being their primary residence.  So much for assuming more royal responsibilities.  So much for a lot of things.

The helicopter pilot gig has been maybe happening since April.  The timing of the announcement coinciding with the release of the Kensington Palace renovation report makes me even more suspicious that William the Reluctant is becoming William the Destroyer, blasting as many holes in the monarchy as he can before he attempts to sink it.  Perhaps the Republican Movement simply isn’t moving fast enough for his taste so Prince William is trying to annihilate the monarchy from the inside.

Throughout his life, Prince William has approached his role as future king with contempt that’s worn many veils, but the underlying issue has always remained the same, Prince William despises being watched.  Realistically, there will always be some level of interest in Prince William either for who he will be or who he could have been.  Whether historically remembered as William the Reluctant or William the Destroyer, the only privilege Wills wasn’t born with was the option to be irrelevant.

This past year was labeled a transitional year by the Palace to explain why Prince William, now in his thirties, is still balking over becoming a full-time royal.  Perhaps like his wife, Kate, Prince William is allergic to things he doesn’t want to do.  Prince William couldn’t even make it through a ten-week agriculture course at Cambridge without taking two vacations.  The royal tour of Australia and New Zealand was laughably light on scheduled events, his calendar of official engagements has been as sparse as the hair on top of the heir’s head and now he’s taking another giant step away from the throne with this decision to play pilot.  He can’t have the perks without the responsibilities, he’s either in or he’s out.  So why is he still being considered for the job of king when he so clearly doesn’t want the only part of it that’s beneficial to the people of the UK?

There are those who believe that if Prince William removes himself from the line of succession, the British Monarchy wouldn’t survive, an opinion rumored to be shared by the Queen.  It’s also been suggested that William only presently endures his loathsome role out of deference to his grandmother.  Wait, so Wills has actually been on his best behavior?  I shudder to think what his worst behavior looks like but I imagine it involves plushy orgies, paintball tournaments in Buckingham Palace and Wills riding around on an armored tiger with his robe open and a butter knife raised above his head proclaiming, “I have the power.”

Whether he leaves or stays, it appears more and more likely that the end of the British monarchy will come at the hands of Mr. Kate Middleton.  Prince William’s decision to postpone his destiny by at least another year undermines the future of the British monarchy as taxpayers struggle to see the value in a prince who is more interested in leading a private life than becoming king.  Money from the Sovereign’s Grant that should be spent on upkeep of the palaces is instead being allocated to appease the petulant prince and his lazy wife to the outrage of many taxpayers.  The new helicopter that will be used to shuttle the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle to official engagements from Anmer Hall comes out of the Sovereign’s Grant despite Windsor Castle and Buckingham Palace being in urgent need of repairs.  Priceless art and artifacts are in danger of being destroyed by leaky roofs while the whims of Prince William and Kate are being catered to.  If the Firm is unable to adequately manage itself, how effectively can it serve the people of the United Kingdom?  Should the future of the monarchy really be in the hands of someone who is so disinterested in it?  Perhaps it’s better to take their chances with a King Harry who genuinely has a sense of duty rather than a man who is woefully unprepared to be first in line to the throne and take over the Duchy of Cornwall.

I just want to say a quick thanks to gingerboy24 of Royal Gossip for posting the link to my blog.  I’ve tried to join Royal Gossip in the past to thank individuals for their support, but the forum wisely wouldn’t have me as a member.  And of course, thank you to temi for always being wonderful amazing you!

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Royal Hemline Decree

Kate Middleton just wrapped up her vacation in Mustique where she rested up from those exhausting zero official engagements to date this year and the mere thirty-five in 2013 that cemented her status as The UK’s Laziest Royal.  The Duchess of Doolittle returned from the Caribbean and discovered she had landed in a bit of a fashion bummer.  According to Time’s Newsfeed, the Queen thinks Kate dresses like a “harlot” and has appointed her own personal dresser, Angela Kelly, to make sure Kate wears more Duchess-appropriate attire for her upcoming tour of Australia.

Perhaps the Queen is seeking to avoid another wardrobe malfunction like the one Kate already had in Australia at the Brisbane Airport.

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These “Marilyn Moments” as they are labeled by the press show more than the Queen feels is appropriate.

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Perhaps the Queen objects because she actually met Marilyn Monroe in 1956 while she was in England filming The Prince and the Showgirl and everyone’s skirt stayed where it was supposed to.

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I think the real issue here is less about the hem length and more about Kate needing dress weights like the ones the Queen has sewn into her garments.  And Kate should rethink going commando in dresses, a wardrobe malfunction is way less slutty if you’re wearing underwear.

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In addition to panties, I would also recommend Kate always wear a bra.  Most women’s breasts are slightly uneven, however when Kate goes without a bra, the height of her right nipple makes the set look even more mismatched.

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Kate does show more leg than one would expect of a possible future Queen consort but she keeps it tight, she’s got great gams, a fantastic bum and really, we’ve all seen the whole show already.  It’s common knowledge that Kate doesn’t wax or shave her bikini area, there are photos all over the internet like the white bikini pics that show the circumference of her areolae, she nabbed her prince by stalking him, I think we’ve already sailed way past her being able to pull off demure.

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If a more royal look is being imposed on Kate, her publicly playing with her hair really needs to stop.  Of course, there was the Hair Twirl Heard Round the World on Remembrance Day.

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Whether straight or curled, up or down, Kate’s hair has a five-fingered entourage.

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The constant hair touching conveys boredom as she gets lost in her own locks, with all of the etiquette training she’s had, she should know that it’s inappropriate.

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In many cultures a woman playing with her hair is considered to be flirtatious.  I can’t think of a single country in which a woman playing with her hair doesn’t have some culturally-specific meaning.  As a representative of the UK and the wife of a future king, she needs to be mindful of the message she is conveying.

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In Thailand, there is a spiritual association with hair because the head is considered so sacred.  Kate’s constant fussing with her tresses could be interpreted as the actions of someone who is spiritually deficient.  To a Jordanian, however, Kate pulling her hair back revealing her neck could be interpreted as a sexual advance because in Jordan, the neck is considered especially erotic, she appears to be offering it by sweeping her hair away from it.

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Even with the backlash against her Remembrance Day hair twirl still fresh, she couldn’t keep her hands out of her hair when her husband was commenting on the sad passing of the great Nelson Mandela.  Playing with her ponytail, she forgot she was supposed to look somber and her expression switched over to her default setting of looking like she’s daydreaming of doodling “I Love Unicorns” in her notebook.

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The Queen’s announcement about hemlines comes less than two weeks after Prince Charles revealed that he will be taking control of the press office of Prince William and Kate and absorbing them into his own at Buckingham Palace.  The elimination of the Kensington Palace press office is believed to be Prince Charles’ attempt to remold The Royal Family’s public image and refocus attention away from Kate’s hair and clothing onto more serious topics.

As frustrating as Lazy Katie’s lack of effort when it comes to charitable work can be, frumping her up isn’t the answer.  The fate of tigers is in no way tied into Kate’s hemline and the Firm isn’t going to turn her into Margaret Thatcher by making her wear boxy suits.  And if they did somehow manage to get their hands on magical fabric that enabled such a transformation, they probably shouldn’t, the Queen looked positively beaming at the funeral of the former Prime Minister.

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I think the way to handle the whole Kate Middleton’s wardrobe issue is just make sure she’s wearing knickers and sew in some dress weights.  People aren’t going to stop focusing on her appearance simply if her wardrobe is toned done, instead the media will start digging through the archives and the conversation will be about how much they preferred Above-the-Knee Kate.

The Firm seems reticent about letting Kate speak publicly in recent months following a string of vapid responses which caused eye rolls, smirks and out-right mockery in the global media.  Kate doesn’t have the passion for charity work and natural charm Princess Diana had, she doesn’t appear to have any terribly interesting hobbies of her own like Sarah Ferguson’s extramarital toe-sucking, she doesn’t have the stoic strength of Queen Elizabeth II because let’s face it, no one in the world has that, but she is good at putting cute little outfits together.  Personally, I think the Royal Family needs to be careful about shaking up Kate, when the candy falls out, the party is pretty much over.

The one bonus of having your hemlines royally decreed is the Queen lets you borrow jewels from her private collection, not to be confused with the Crown Jewels which are kept in the Tower of London.  No one actually knows how much the Queen’s Jewels are worth because no gemologist has ever been permitted to examine the collection.  For her upcoming scheduled trip to Australia, Kate will be allowed to borrow some of the Queen’s pieces most of which have been handed down to her by past monarchs. This isn’t like rooting around in your Grandma’s jewelry box, this is some serious badass bling.  My first round draft pick would be the Collet Necklace which is also referred to it as the Coronation Necklace.

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Despite its 160 carats, Queen Alexandra and Queen Mary piled even more diamonds on top of it.  Queen Elizabeth II wears it as I would, on its own, it is the ultimate statement necklace and that statement is “Suck it, Commoners.”  That kind of ice would definitely take the sting out of being told by the Queen that you dress like a tramp.

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Love,

Lola