Tag Archives: the Mattress

William and Kate’s Five Year Anniversary

Five years ago, Kate Middleton entered Westminster Abbey and emerged Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn and Lady Carrickfergus.  After a near decade-long wait to become Mrs. Prince William, the woman who had been referred to in the press as Waity Katie, The Mattress, Her Royal Thighness and the Royal Doormat was repackaged as a perfect fairytale princess.

The royal love story was respun to sound a bit less stalkery.  In “Kate, The Future Queen”, Katie Nicholls revealed that in order to increase her chances of becoming Mrs. Prince William, the Edinburgh-bound Kate decided to take a gap year and applied to be in Prince William’s class at St. Andrews.  William and Kate’s first meeting wasn’t even at St. Andrews, in the summer 1999 they were introduced by Emilia d’Erlanger at “Club H” at Highgrove, but Kate failed to make an impression on William.  Three years later, a sheer dress Kate wore at a charity fashion show finally did the trick.

In their eight years of dating before the engagement announcement,  Kate reportedly found herself cast aside for Jecca Craig at William’s 21st birthday party, in 2004 before exams, Kate was dumped for “more space” which then took the form of Jecca Craig, in 2005 Kate was briefly replaced by Isabella Calthorpe who decided the princess life wasn’t for her, and in April 2007 William broke up with Kate for a couple of months, infamously jumping up on a table after dumping her via cell phone, shouting, “I’m free!”  And yet, Kate still wanted to marry Prince William.

Kate’s wedding prep focused on the physical.  In addition to having her teeth fixed and extensive beauty treatments, Kate lost so much weight that at an engagement in Ireland before the wedding, a woman expressed concern Kate was becoming too thin.  Kate replied,  “It’s all part of the plan!”  The Palace Press Office tried to keep Kate’s comment contained, noting, “It’s a hugely private matter.”  It’s too bad Kate’s plan didn’t also include preparing for her new duties.

By all accounts, Kate was calm and composed before the wedding.  According to Marina Sandoval who did Kate’s manicure for the wedding, “She didn’t display an ounce of nerves.  She was just happy that the day was here at last.”  Her hair stylist Richard Ward noted, “She has been remarkably relaxed from the start… Everyone else was nervous, but not Kate. She just took it all in her stride and was calming everyone else down.”

There were no pre-wedding jitters or obvious nerves getting married in front of 1,900 guests and millions watching around the world.  Waity Katie who had been dubbed “Princess-in-Waiting” at Marlborough appeared triumphant about waitying no more.

Kate wore a classically pretty but somewhat underwhelming wedding dress by Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen, her wedding veil was so flat, it looked like she was wearing a stocking over her face to knock over a liquor store and the makeup which Kate did herself reminded me of the similarly heavy-handed application of a transvestite hooker who once told me that my outfit was fierce.

The 20 foot maple trees that decorated Westminster Abbey in hindsight feel like a prelude to the massive amount of privacy trees planted at Anmer Hall but at the time they just seemed ridiculous.  Kate filled the abbey with British flora, her Language of Flowers vision reportedly cost £50,000.

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When Kate said “I do”, she became an official representative of the UK and the monarchy, a job she appears to have had no intention of doing.

In the engagement interview, Kate stated, “I’m willing to learn quickly and work hard,” and yet in her five years since becoming a duchess, Kate has only delivered 8 short shaky speeches, gone on four royal tours and has undertaken a combined 390 engagements to date, a grand total for five years on par with what the 90-year-old Queen averages in one year (in 2014, the Queen undertook 393 engagements).

Ahead of the five year royal wedding anniversary, Ingrid Seward, editor-in-chief of Majesty magazine suggested that Kate’s dismal efforts are born from a fear she’s going to screw up royally.  Seward who must be suffering from amnesia noted, “She hasn’t made any mistakes, which is extraordinary when you think of how difficult it is for her.  I suppose the only mistake she’s made is that she’s probably seen not always as particularly interesting but I think she’s absolutely terrified of not doing it right.”

Really, Kate’s only short-coming is that she’s dull?  Just off the top of my head, Kate’s event totals are so dismally low, last year she only accounted for 1.66% of the royal family’s workload.  She’s been criticized for frequent luxury holidays, selecting more glamorous events like film premieres, Wimbledon, galas, wine tastings and ignoring ones that don’t seem to interest her, like those involving her charities that aren’t connected to Ben Ainslie.  Kate’s Received Pronunciation affectation has inhibited her ability to deliver the few brief speeches she’s attempted, causing her to mispronounce the name of the charity in one and struggle with words like “palliative” in others.  The occasional comments she makes at events lack substance but still are dutifully reported by the press because she offers nothing else of substance.  Actual Kate official event quotes include: “And can it… can you… um… test the… the smell by smelling it?”; “It’s very shiny.”; “Oh it’s actually not bad if you were desperately hungry.”; “I like your hair.”; “I like your nails.”; “No! Oh no, is that me? Is that meant to be me?  Does my hair really look like that!” (in response to a doll a girl was holding); “Oh, I know now who you are.  Although it’s very strange… now you have got facial hair.  Some of the people who had facial hair in the film don’t have facial hair now.” (in speaking to actor Tom Hiddleston); and most recently, when told of street children being mutilated to make money begging, she responded, “Gosh, so interesting.”

In her five years since joining the royal family, Kate has offended many by smiling, laughing, and playing with her hair during balcony appearances on Remembrance Sunday, sparking outrage in 2013 as she dreamily gazed off in the distance while twirling her hair during the solemn event.  Kate being a professed hands-on mother has been offered as the reason Kate puts in the fewest event totals each year in the British Royal Family and yet Prince George is most frequently papped with his nanny.  When George was seven months old, Kate had no trouble leaving him behind while she took a Maldives escape (her second luxury holiday in two months) with Prince William while her mother oversaw the shift in his care from Nanny Jessie Webb to Nanny Maria.  During the Cambridge’s controversial family ski get-away earlier this year, both Prince George and Princess Charlotte were left to the care of nannies while Kate and William took to the slopes because their children are obviously too young to ski yet.  Five years into being a duchess and Kate has had wardrobe malfunctions in the double digits and the Royal Flasher still has yet to undertake one single official tour without exposing herself while acting as an official representative of the United Kingdom and the British Monarchy.  That doesn’t sound like the actions of a “terrified” Kate.

As it turns out, there was another wardrobe malfunction in India on the final day of the royal tour.  My brain was frozen over with boredom by then and I missed it, so this is brought to you by royal watcher, Julie RocketQueen.  Apparently when Kate and William were recreating the iconic Princess Diana photo at the Taj Mahal, Kate flashed her undies.

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Kate’s panties were white with a four-petal flower design.  My apologies for the pixelation, but I don’t feel like hunting down a high resolution image since the pattern of the panties is visible in this pic, the flower’s outline appears to be dark blue with marigold centers.

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So maybe this second wardrobe malfunction is actually encouraging.  After five years of duchessing, the future Queen Consort is now finally wearing underwear.

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Impressions Of Kate

Before Kate Middleton was Kate Middleton, she was Kate Middleton, a young woman described by CG editor Dylan Jones in March 2007 as “probably the most intriguing woman in Britain right now, principally because we know so little about her.”

Really all the world knew about Kate at that time was that she was Prince William’s girlfriend.  She had graduated from St. Andrews in 2005 with a degree in Art History, lived in London in a flat purchased for her by her parents, spent most  of her time with her mother, shopping, was often spotted out with William, she didn’t work and her career aspiration was to become Mrs. Prince William.  The press quoted a friend source as saying, “Kate seems at a loss over her future and just seems to be waiting for Wills to pop the question. She has not settled on a career path.”

After waiting for eight years for William to propose and finally getting the Precious, no one even knew which name she preferred to go, and a Kate versus Catherine debate ensued.  In March 2011, a woman outside of Belfast City Hall finally asked Kate which she preferred to put the matter to rest.  Kate replied, “I’m still very much Kate.”

I guess she forgot to tell William because he started referring to his new wife as Catherine.  Maybe William decided he preferred Catherine to Kate.  I’m sure that  happens all the time with newlyweds.  If I ever get married, I think I’m going to rename my future husband Matthew Gray Gubler.  Or Wolverine.

There were no scandalous stories about the royal bride, Kate, suggesting she was the perfect candidate as a future Queen Consort.  A generation earlier, Lady Diana Spencer had been deemed a perfect royal bride because she was a woman with “a history, but not a past”.  The nineteen year old Diana came from a well-known noble family, had spent time with the royal family  growing up, shared an apartment with friends, had held a few jobs including working as a kindergarten teacher, despite having a pedigree and trust fund, she also did odd jobs cleaning friends’ apartments, working as a baby-sitter and mother’s helper, loved children dearly and was known to be hard-working, kind and a bit  shy.  At 19, Diana had a pristine but promising story for the press to tell and had already worked more than the 29-year-old woman who would marry her son.  Oddly Kate had scarcely left any kind of indication at all she had existed for nearly three decades.

There just weren’t many stories to tell or friends to extoll her virtues to the press.  After university, Kate’s work history consisted of one part-time job infrequently attended and quickly abandoned.  To many classmates, she was entirely forgettable. But, at a reader’s request, I have gathered up the impressions of Kate from those who remembered her before her story was rewritten in order to sell a woman who had been referred to in the press as Waity Katie, The Mattress, Her Royal Thighness  and The Royal Doormat, as a perfect fairytale princess.

In September 1995, thirteen year old Kate enrolled in the all-girls boarding school Downe House.  After only two semesters Kate transferred  out because she wasn’t well liked.  The press later ran stories suggesting Kate left because of bullying, the claims were all disproven because they were fabricated with the assumption she had been a boarder, which she never was.  The school’s headmistresses, Miss Cameron, confirmed that Kate was never bullied, describing her as awkward, unhappy, unable to adapt and fit in.

One of the classmates who remembered Kate noted, “You never saw her smile.  I didn’t envy her short brown bob, her boyish figure, nor her eczema, but when it came to height and sportiness she was lucky. I still find it hard to understand that in her year-group of more than 100 girls she did not find a single kindred spirit, not even on the lacrosse pitch, where she was at home.”

Another classmate who was able  to recall Kate scoffed at the idea that Kate had even been teased or given a dirty look, indicated Kate was “regarded as a nonentity” and the other girls “thought she was not worth bothering with.”

Other than an echoed recollection of Kate being a girl with bad skin and sullen look, Kate left no other impression on her classmates.

Kate transferred to Marlborough which was co-ed, thought to be a better match for her because as Miss Cameron explained, “Kate was happier around boys.”  Unfortunately Kate wasn’t at first, her gloom persisted even with boys around because she  wasn’t popular.  According to Gemma Williamson,  “One day they decided to rate each of the girls out of 10. Kate scored badly.  She turned to her mother and on returning from the summer holiday had undergone a transformation.”

After Carole’s summer project of making Kate more appealing to boys by helping her acquire what Williamson described as “a  perfect  body”, a more “confident” Kate discovered she could become more popular with boys by pulling down her pants and show them her bare bum.  “Sometimes jokingly we called her Middlebum, ” Williamson explained. “At 14 she joined other girls mooning boys from their dorm window,” another classmate indicated.  Jessica Hayes recalled that Kate became addicted to mooning and estimated she did it about 80 times before the school intervened.  I’m not really sure how one becomes addicted to mooning, but as someone who was starting to develop a pretty serious Twizzler addiction, perhaps I’m not one to judge.

Marlborough’s staff  has been directed not to speak with anyone about anything Kate did while at Marlborough that would reflect poorly on her image and were specifically instructed to  say no comment about her serial mooning, but some have dished off the record because let’s face it, all teachers are under-paid and under-appreciated for all that they have to put up with.   One of the teachers finally had to pull Kate aside and explain to her that while exposing herself to boys may appear to be an easy way now to become more popular, it wasn’t smart and urged her to consider how constantly exposing herself could come back to haunt her.  Another teacher spoke to a reporter on the condition his identity not be revealed because of the school-imposed gag order on staff.  He described Kate as, “unexceptional.  Anyone who remembers differently is probably talking with the benefit of hindsight.”

Kate was nicknamed “Princess-in-Waiting” at Marlborough because of her fixation with Prince William.  Jessica Hayes recalled Kate spending hours pouring over magazine, learning everything she could about the man she vowed to marry.

When Kate’s sister Pippa started Marlborough, Kate became more confident.  Despite being the younger sister, classmates referred to Pippa as the “alpha sister” and Kate as the “beta sister”.  Pippa was more popular, smarter, better at sports and became the captain of Kate’s hockey team.  One classmate noted, “Pippa was slightly tough and, back then, the one with the charisma. No one would ever think of bullying her.”  Despite the age difference, the Wisteria Sisters managed to be together almost all of the time.  In addition to being socially dependent on her sister, Kate was also known as a “Mummy’s girl”.

But that wasn’t the only impression Kate was making.  In the 2000 Leavers’ Yearbook, a classmate wrote, “Catherine’s perfect  looks are renowned but her obsession with her tits are not.  She is often found squinting down her top and screaming, “They’re growing!”

Kate intended on attending Edinburgh when it was announced Prince William was taking a gap year and would be enrolled at St. Andrews the following year, Kate ripped up her acceptance letter and applied to St. Andrews, taking a gap year so she would be in his class.  Part of 19-year-old Kate’s gap year was spent as a deckhand on corporate hospitality boats, mainly serving drinks on yachts for wealthy clients.  The girls wore a polo shirt, navy blazer and their own shorts in black or navy.  Kate was remembered for wearing the shortest of short shorts.  Several male crew members provided pretty much identical quotes as one of the captains: “The thing about her that stood out was her legs and those shorts.”  While the male crew enjoyed asking her to scrub the deck, the captain admitted needing to tell her,  “Kate, would you mind not standing by that hatch when you are serving because it’s a bit revealing for anyone below deck.”   Despite the show she put on, one member described her as “rather prudish”.  Several noted it was obvious Kate had her sights set on a higher class of man than would be working as part of a ship’s crew.

Contrary to the fairytale myth, Kate had already met William prior to St. Andrews.  Paul Horsford reflected on talking about William with Kate in 2001 during her brief gap year stint doing corporate hospitality.  When he commented that maybe Kate would get to meet William at one of the events, she replied, “I’ve already met him once or twice.”

The “once” was during the summer of 1999.  Emilia d’Erlanger, a long-time friend of William’s, brought Kate to “Club H”, Prince’s William and Harry’s den in the cellars of Highgrove.  The “or twice”  was a fleeting encounter at a school event.  Kate failed to make an impression, though, on William.

William and Kate started shacking up during their second year at St. Andrews.  They tried to keep a low profile by dining out early so they wouldn’t be spotted, although given how notoriously cheap William is, it’s possible he was trying to take advantage of Early Bird Specials.  One of their favorite haunts was The Oak Rooms where a quoted observer (it sounds like he was either the manager or owner) noted, “They’re always very affectionate and smoochy.  And, just like ordinary college kids, they always go dutch on the check.”

Once Kate finally got William, her focus shifted to keeping him. She dropped the few female friends she had made who have been very gracious in the press about being frozen out of her life.  One noted, “I don’t even think she dropped us deliberately. But she has to be so careful about where she goes now and all the arrangements that it became more trouble than it was worth.”  A few females did survive the cut: her mother, her sister and a couple of girls who weren’t a perceived threat.

People who encountered Kate at the clubs described her as “rude”, “dour” and “plain”.  One girl dubbed  her Cerberus after the three-headed dog that guards the gates of Hades in Greek mythology for her body-blocking of any girl who tried to approach William.

While the press has printed stories about William’s friends making “doors to manuals” sneers, suggesting they didn’t approve of Kate because of her middle class roots, individuals I’ve spoken have denied such claims.  William’s friends disliked Kate because of her unpleasant personality, flakiness and her off-putting behavior towards them.

During the Waiting Years, Kate had a habit of agreeing to be involved in charity work but then not bothering to respond when contacted and was a no-show at some events she indicated she was keen on attending.  William’s circle felt she acted as if she was above extending common courtesy.

According to one of Kate’s friends, “She has quite a bad reputation for being rude when it comes to responding to letters.  She often fails to RSVP when she is asked to attend events. She once failed to reply to a wedding invitation from one of William’s friends and it didn’t go down very well.”

The characterization of Kate as a “cold, dull, serious girl” by William’s friends in Penny Juror’s book Prince William: The Man Who Will Be King  is one of the most succinct descriptions of Kate’s personality that I’ve heard to date.

Prince  William gave the okay for Penny Junor to speak with friends, classmates and teachers for her book, Prince William: The Man Who Will Be King.  Other quotes from the book offered further insight into The Woman Who Will Be Queen Consort.  One of Kate’s tutors from St. Andrews noted, “She was another girl in a pashmina. When I read about her charismatic personality — well, maybe it’s developed, but it wasn’t that obvious then.”

The experiences of those who have met Kate have differed so drastically from the carefully crafted image that has been packaged for public consumption, some who have not been interviewed for books or articles have come forward on public platforms to share their impressions of Kate.

The comment section of a Jezebel article on Celebrity Encounters contained a contribution from St. Andrews alumni who had been in Kate’s class.  I’ve done some editing due to length, but it can be viewed in its entirety at http://jezebel.com/the-be…-a-dick-to-you-1704797468

The contributor was a student at St. Andrews and tells the story of a close  friend she refers to as Tina who had a class with Prince William (referred to as P-Dubya) and a weekly tutorial with Kate (referred to as the  skinny brunette), which was ten students in the professor’s office once a week.

“…The professor was always late letting students in, and there were no chairs in the hallway, so people would chat and be friendly as they waited.

EXCEPT for this one, very thin, brunette. My friend (let’s call her Tina) recognized her as one of the ‘followers’ of P-Dubya. But my friend was from a country far far away and couldn’t have given a shit (her country had given up the monarchy long ago).

So, Tina has a few tutorials, and she notices that the thin brunette always sits int eh chair next to her. But she never talked to anyone. Tina noticed, however, that the skinny brunette would always look over at her paper, and copy down her answers to the weekly assignments. Tina is super smart and always has all the answers, and is also an arty, anti-establishment person, so she didn’t care. In fact, one week, she went up to the skinny brunette and flat out offered her her assignment, because they had 10 minutes to kill before the professor opened the door, and why not? Skinny brunette looked down her nose at her, said, “I don’t know what you mean” and returned to texting smugly.

Well, no one fucks with Tina. So, the next week, Tina wrote 2 separate assignments. The first one, the actual one, had the answers. The second one was fake. I mean, really fake. She told me she was doing this, and we came up with the most ridiculous bullshit.

Q: When was Pearl Harbor?

A: 1492

I mean, really stupid. Like, NO ONE would believe those answers were real. So class time rolls around, and Tina waits in the hallway with the others. Skinny brunette comes, doesn’t talk to anyone. Door opens, Tina sits. Skinny sits next to her. Tina puts her fake assignment on top, to the corner of her desk. Skinny looks over, obviously copies word by word. Not even blinking.

The assignments were handed in. Tina told me she didn’t know what grade skinny got, and that was one of the last tutorials of the year, so she didn’t have much interaction after that.

TL/DR- Cate is rude, plagiarizes assignments, and dumber than a box of hair.”

Another commenter responded with:
“Can confirm. I chatted with a prof at St. Andrews who had Kate as a student and he told me, “she wrote one good paper. I suspected plagiarism, but could never prove it.a’ He didn’t think much of her.”

Kate being dumber than a box of hair does explain the growing mess of extensions and hair pieces she’s been sporting.  Clearly whatever is happening there, she has been out-witted.

A while back, I was anonymously contacted by a woman I believe was a member of Kate’s staff who shared her own impressions of Kate who she described as being not very bright.  Basically, she  seemed to share the opinion that a box of hair could beat Kate at a game of checkers.  What I found most interesting about what she told me is how Kate perceives herself, as a great mind and puppet-master controlling those around her.

Maybe Kate’s impression of herself is closer to reality than those who have been snickering behind her back at her lack of mental acuity.  Because if you think about it, this woman has managed to spend four and a half years reaping the full benefits of a job she very rarely shows up for, last year accounting for a mere 2.23% of the British Royal Family’s workload.  She has the largest apartment at Kensington Palace, fully renovated at taxpayer expense, a ten bedroom country estate to beige out to her heart’s content, and is supplied with a full staff so she can relax in pampered luxury.  She spends tens of thousands of dollars of her father-in-law’s duchy money annually on clothing and accessories for galas and movie premieres that count as work.  And the most stressful thing she has to deal with is how to fit a lightweight tour in between her luxury holidays.  This might be the most impressive con job in history.  And it’s being pulled off by Kate Middleton.  Or her hair.

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The Crowded Courtship of Will and Kate

Media outlets have been speculating that the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton may be on the rocks.  Kate’s most recent disappearing act can be explained by her allegedly recovering from plastic surgery but of course that doesn’t explain her absences from those countless other missed social engagements or why she so often prefers to spend extended periods of time at her parents’ home, away from her husband.

Kate and William’s marriage was described to me a while back as being more of a friendship.  I’ve never believed it was a great romance which made think it actually might go the distance, it was a more practical arrangement and given all that Kate endured to become Mrs. Prince William, there was no reason to suspect the Limpet would ever let go.

Royal fairytales sell newspapers because they provide a form of escapism from the dreariness of everyday news.  When Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s marriage first showed visible signs of disintegration, the press turned a blind eye, churning out instead candied stories of the glamorous princess and her prince living perfect lives inside an enormous palace until the obvious strain on their faces when in close proximity could no longer be ignored and the press was forced to go with the truth.

The beginnings of Kate and William’s marriage didn’t fit the typical fairytale mold, forged instead inside of a romantic bouncy castle.  The media frequently criticized Waity Katie who most believed would never make it down the aisle to wed her prized prince.  There may have been three in Princess Diana’s marriage but the courtship of William and Kate was far more crowded.

Before he began dating Kate, William had a few minor relationships.  In 2000, Prince William spent quite a bit of time with Jecca Craig during the gap year he spent at the Kenyan ranch owned by Jecca’s parents.  Usually when Jecca is mentioned, there’s reference to hers and William’s “mock engagement”, but it tends to get dismissed as an interesting anecdote about the whimsy of youth and Jecca gets relegated to the status of ex-girlfriend in the media when in reality, to William she is far more important.  Jecca has always been strong, self-assured, practical and she knows what she wants and the princess life isn’t it.  Prince William’s time at her family’s Kenyan ranch was one of the happiest of his life because he was able to escape the perceived burden of being a prince, he was young and in love with a beautiful, down-to-earth girl.

In 2001, another major figure in the William love life saga appeared on the timeline, Prince William met the gorgeous Isabella Calthorpe and developed a major crush on her.  She didn’t pay much attention to him at the time, they became friends because they had overlapping social circles.

There were rumors about William’s and Jecca’s relationship since his gap year but it wasn’t until 2003 that the media started printing stories about their involvement.  Prince William was very protective of Jecca and thinking it would spare her media scrutiny, he had St. James Palace immediately issue a statement that it, “denies that there is or ever has been any romantic liaison between Prince William and Jessica Craig.”  They admitted Prince William returned to Kenya in August 2002 to spend time with her and her family back but that was it.  Many regarded the Palace’s denial as an idiotic move, they never commented on William’s other relationships, the denial was considered confirmation Jecca was very important to William, more important to him than any other woman to whom he was romantically linked up until that point which included Kate Middleton.

Jecca and William may have been star-crossed lovers, but Jecca is far too pragmatic for any kind of sword and poison scenario and William wasn’t going to lead a life of celibacy because the girl he really wanted didn’t want a future of tiaras and ribbon cutting in the UK.

By the time of Prince William’s 21st birthday bash on June 21, 2003, Kate had been with William long enough to assume she would be sitting next to William at his 21st birthday celebration and was devastated to discover that Jecca occupied the top spot at Prince William’s side while Kate found herself exiled to another table.

Kate wasn’t liked by William’s friends.  They found her cold, boring, presumptuous and her only discernable interest appeared to be in marrying a prince.  There were a number of people hoping Jecca would replace Kate for good but it became clear Jecca had no such intention.  Jecca started dating one of William’s old school chums, dashing hopes that Jecca would serve as Kate-B-Gone.

William’s friends disliked Kate so much, they had been conspiring to get rid of her from the very beginning.  There was a group of girls chasing William, I forget what they called themselves, while each wouldn’t have minded becoming a princess, the whole thing was a bit of a lark for them as well.  When William had plans to go out, a member of the group would tip off the girls in hopes William would realize there were more options than Kate.  William would flirt, dance and drink with these girls when they could get close enough.  Kate would tag along when William went out, fiercely guarding her prince claim, physically body blocking the girls who tried to get close and even brought along another girl with her for guard duty so that one of the girls couldn’t serve as a diversion while another snuck in on the side to talk to William.  The girls hated Kate and found her guard dog behavior so ridiculous, that on at least one occasion they approached a stranger on the street because they thought William would really go for her, told her where he would be and what time to show up and they would make sure she was introduced to William.  I have it on very good authority that the random stranger had absolutely zero interest, politely declined and is in hindsight insulted they thought she was William’s type. It didn’t escape Kate’s notice that this group of girls appealed to William, they drank, had fun, wore sexier clothes so she strove to emulate them, trying to turn herself into everything William seemed to like and want.  Kate wasn’t much of a drinker initially, at first she usually had a couple over the course of an evening, but she saw that William seemed to be drawn to the girls tossing back drinks and having less-inhibited fun, so that’s what Kate did.

In 2004, William broke up with Kate right before exams.  He wanted space, shortly thereafter he reportedly discovered he had just enough space for Jecca.

After Kate and William got back together, it wasn’t long before Kate found her position as Prince William’s girlfriend was again in jeopardy.  Kate had nothing in her bag of tricks to compete with the likes of Isabella Calthorpe, very few women do.  William was so smitten with Isabella that whenever they bumped into each other, William only had eyes for Isabella and would completely forget about Kate’s existence.  At a ball in October of 2005, William was so enraptured by Isabella with whom he had spent the evening in deep conversation that Kate finally stormed off.  I’m not sure how long it took William to even notice Kate was gone.  William cast Kate aside to fully pursue Isabella.  The relationship was brief, Isabella reportedly told William that if he weren’t a prince, she could see a future for them together, but the realities of his life weren’t for her.  Kate once again was offered the now-vacant number one girlfriend position which she accepted, despite feeling humiliated for being so publicly dropped on her ass while William swooned over Isabella but William promised Kate he wouldn’t see Isabella anymore.

Once again Kate was William’s official plus one and Kate and Jecca would run into each other at weddings and various events.  Knowing how insecure Kate was and that William’s circle didn’t like Kate, Jecca went out of her way to be nice to Kate, talk to her, make her feel welcome as part of the group and reassure Kate that she was in no way a threat to her, she had absolutely no interest in living a princess life.  In 2005, Jecca even hosted Kate and William at her family’s Kenyan ranch.

Jecca was rumored to be one factor in the 2007 break-up.  My own opinion is that William got spooked because of what allegedly happened towards the end of 2006 that made the idea of a future married to Kate with babies feel more suffocatingly real and it made him want freedom.  Kate’s parents had rented the Jordanstone House in Alyth for the 2006 winter holiday, after spending Christmas with his family at Sandringham, William was supposed to join them, but he blew them off, never bothering to show.

Up until his being a no-show at the holidays, Kate was sure she and William would eventually be getting married.  William started becoming very distant.  I’m not sure if this part is true, but supposedly Kate suspected William and Jecca were romantically involved again and tried to dictate who William was and wasn’t allowed to see and he responded with something like screw you, you don’t tell me what to do, I’m Prince William and I give orders, I certainly don’t take them from you. The possibility Jecca and William were secretly romancing on the side was rumored to have also been a factor in Jecca’s canceled engagement to Hugh Crossley in 2008.  Jecca’s family released a statement that it had nothing to do with a third party, the reason Jecca called off the engagement to Hugh Crossley was because they had two vastly differently visions for the future.  Honestly, I doubt the veracity of this particular Jecca rumor.

In the months before the April 2007 break-up, Prince William was spotted snogging a girl in a nightclub, photographed in March with his hand on another woman’s breasts and was rumored to have been sneaking random girls into the barracks for some non-regulation nookie.  Most girls would have put his crown jewels in a vice grip and dumped his sorry cheating ass, but not Our Fair Waity.  Kate asked William for more of a commitment.  She should have been committed… to a mental institution.  Then William decided to break up with Kate once and for all by cell phone.  When he was done severing ties with Kate, he jumped up on the table, proclaiming, “I’m free!”

During the Limpetless Freedom Tour 2007, William attempted to see if it was possible to love every woman.  In a bid to win Prince William back, Kate began a campaign to show him what he was missing by hitting the clubs in sexier outfits and she made sure she was seen dancing and flirting with men so it would get back to William.  By June of 2007, Kate was back to existing in a suspended state of waiting for William.  In May of 2008, Prince William once again demonstrated how important Jecca was to him by skipping his own cousin’s wedding in order to attend the wedding of Jecca’s brother.  William asked Kate to attend Peter Philips’ wedding in his stead, which some interpreted as a sign it wouldn’t be long before Kate officially joined the Royal Family while others thought it was a pretty ingenious way of keeping Kate from going with him to Jecca’s brother’s wedding so he and Jecca could have some alone time.

Kate and William finally got married in 2011 and for some reason brought along friends on their honeymoon.  Their holidays were usually group affairs as well, more often than not taken with Kate’s family, because what newlywed couple doesn’t love to have parental supervision.  Not all of their holidays were taken as a couple.  In February 2014, when William was reportedly so occupied with an agriculture course he was unable to join his wife and son on holiday, a photo emerged showing Jecca had joined Prince William on a trip to Spain for some boar hunting.

Given the state of their union to this point, it appears likely Kate and William have some kind of arrangement which affords William certain freedoms while in return Kate gets to have a title the public and media rarely use and a seemingly endless supply of jeggings.  Not exactly the romance of the century but given how far from idyllic Kate’s courtship with Prince Not-So-Charming was, it’s hard to tell exactly where a bumpy path becomes a rocky road.

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Memorial Day Kardashian/Cambridge Mashup

If Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are the #worldsmosttalkedaboutcouple, then the world has come down with a case of laryngitis.  Crowds of teens gathered outside the wedding venue weren’t there to catch a glimpse of the bride and groom, they were holding up Justin Bieber signs in the hope that the singer would show up as a wedding guest.  The bride and groom haven’t been trending on Yahoo, but among those who have been are Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze’s widow who married jeweler Albert DePrisco, Harry Potter who is fictional and actress Juliette Binoche who is at Cannes.  In fact, the closest thing I saw to Kimye in the Trending Top Ten is Finnish race car driver Kimi Raikkonen.

Kim’s third trip down the aisle was decidedly less star-studded than the wedding her last groom declared was all a sham.  Beyonce and Jay Z opted to not be part of Cirque de so Overplayed.  Vogue editor Anna Wintour was unable to attend because of a family obligation.  Brother Brody Jenner offered the excuse that he was going to be DJing in Chicago at the time.  And brother Rob Kardashian flew to Paris only to turn around and come home after the bride-to-be reportedly chastised him for not losing weight for her wedding, thus making Rob Kardashian the only member of his family who appears to have any self respect.

While America has answered this self-hyping couple with the sound of crickets, I think we need to go one step further and lock up the US while the Kardashian clan is still in Europe, chains, padlocks, whatever it takes.  Rob Kardashian can stay since he appears to only be an asymptomatic carrier of Kardashian Famewhoreitis although he will need to be quarantined if he’s responsible for any Typhoid Mary-type Twitter Selfie Outbreaks.

Kim Kardashian’s Givenchy wedding dress was a “sexy” version of the Kate Middleton wedding dress, proving that even boring can be turned trashy in the skilled hands of a former sex tape star.  Rebecca Potzner posted a pic of the wedding dress on Instagram, I took a screen grab of it to show Kim Kardashian’s Kate Middleton-inspired wedding dress and veil.  Still not a fan of the cocoon effect the veil has, especially since we know what’s going to hatch from it.

kimkardashianweddingdress

In case you missed the starpulse.com article about Kate Middleton and Prince William, it’s a must-read account of the growing animosity both inside and outside palace gates towards the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle’s disregard for duty.  The article a well-articulated overview of mounting tension within the family that also highlights how Kate lies to get out of events, claiming the Queen told her not to worry about duties and just enjoy her family.  Lazy Kate has been spinning a yarn to get out of work even before she was duchess, the paparazzi, deceased mother-in-law, Prince William, pregnancy and Prince George have all been her offered excuses.  Now Kate’s pinning her lazy ways on someone who no one would dare question, the Queen.  No wonder Kate never wears pants, the liar liar would perpetually find them on fire.

Kate’s love of full skirts in windy conditions has sparked a new privacy debate about a photo being auctioned of Kate’s bare bum which was exposed at the Blue Mountains event.  Kim Kardashian isn’t the only one with a famous ass, the backside of Kate, Duchess of Kambridge can get some attention, too.  Here’s a look behind the bum scandal scenes, Wills does not look happy: http://lookagiraffe.tumblr.com.

This isn’t the first time Kate has flashed her bare bum, and I’m not talking about the bottomless bikini balcony pics from France or her exposed backside at Calgary or all of the so-called wardrobe malfunctions.  Kate was a serial mooner in her younger days, earning her the nickname Kate Middlebum in Marlborough College for her frequently dropping trou to expose her bare behind to boys to improve her popularity.

Kate already had one wardrobe malfunction on the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour, she’s aware of both underwear and the extra-windy conditions related to air travel, she might be dim-witted but she’s certainly not headless.  Given that in her younger days, she exposed herself to make boys like her, it seems not much has really changed, except she’s not a teenager anymore, she’s a duchess, wife and mother with a history of using exhibitionism to help fuel her feelings of self-worth.

What’s interesting about this reported photo auction is that there is one at all.  Usually the public hears about Kate’s “Marilyn Moments” and thinks the duchess flashed a bit of thigh when in reality, she showed much more at these events.  As much as the paparazzi is reviled, there is an ethical code most adhere to when it comes to embarrassing wardrobe malfunction photos of First Ladies, Royals and other respected female public figures.  Photographers might show a copy to a family member or friend but the embarrassing images of respected public figures are never sold, e-mailed or posted on the internet, they remain in the possession of the photographers who took them.  Despite Queen Elizabeth’s use of hem weights and careful clothing selections, there have been a couple of slight wardrobe malfunction photos taken during her sixty-two year reign that will never ever see the light of day out of respect to the monarch.  Kate never earned that same kind of respect because of her pre-Duchess days as Waity Katie and The Mattress.

For those who don’t know the history of The Mattress moniker, Prince William’s security detail is credited for coming up with it because of how poorly Prince William treated Kate while they were dating.  No matter how cruelly or coldly Prince William was to her, she would always run to answer his late-night booty calls so she could have the perceived honor of sexually pleasuring the Petulant Prince she called Big Willie.  Kate was his sex doormat.

It’s hard to respect someone who doesn’t respect herself and few really believed Prince William would actually marry The Limpet, as Prince Harry referred to Kate.  When Prince William did say I do, Kate benefited from a reserve cache of respect she got through marriage, the press kept the more embarrassing wardrobe malfunction photos out of the mainstream media and photographers would e-mail them to friends or anonymously post them online.

This Blue Mountains photo auction would suggest Kate’s used up the last of the press protection she received through marriage.  If Buckingham Palace does manage some legal maneuver to get the sale squashed or attempts to procure it using other means, I suspect some of the more embarrassing Kate photos from the past will surface as a gentle reminder to the Palace that they have been benefiting from photographer restraint.  In addition to Kate’s potential pre-Duchess indiscretions and official engagement wardrobe malfunctions, it’s been strongly hinted that far more intimate photos from the French balcony series exist, one set is rumored to show Kate kneeling before her prince en plein air.

The Lazy Duo’s reputation as a couple isn’t helped by Prince William deciding he wants to take another transitional year as an air ambulance helicopter pilot.  With only a few months to go on his transitional year between RAF pilot and full-time royal, Prince William wants to further stall the inevitable full-time duties of his birthright.  He’s thirty-one, a father, a husband and… what’s that other thing… ah, yes a Prince, it’s a little late in the game to be scrambling to think of other things he’d rather be.  If his birthright is so loathsome, he should remove himself and his son from succession instead of engaging in never-ending attempts to have the perks of royalty without any of the responsibilities.

Of course, the real appeal of the new pilot job might be the regular hours he will be spending away from Kate.  The new gig means Kate will receive her favorite gift of all, more possible excuses not to work, like taking care of Prince George all by her lonesome, with only a nanny, a housekeeper who serves as back-up nanny, a personal assistant and a whole support team of staff to help out when Prince William is away.

Prince George is revealing that he’s kind of a badass as far as babies go.  He rocks a bit of a punk mohawk, dives right into baby mosh pits, swiped a little girl’s doll and made her cry, his teething style is pure Ozzy Osbourne, and he drools and craps in his pants just like Hugh Hefner.

Prince George racked up a ton of cool stuff while on the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour like a surfboard and skateboard, but he didn’t have to budge an inch to score the latest gift, an aviator jacket that was given to Prince Charles on his Canada tour.  So now Prince George is like Top Gun cool.

PrinceGeorgeAviatorJacket

The latest on Prince George’s antics reveals that when met his second cousin, Mia, who is the daughter of Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall, he started a food fight, described by Mia’s Dad as “carnage”.

Prince George can’t even talk yet and the tiny terror already has far more personality than both of his parents combined.

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Prince William Flies Solo as Kate’s Eggs Rest

On Tuesday night, celebs such as Cate Blanchett, Emma Watson, Kate Moss, Cara Delevigne and Helena Bonham-Carter attended an event honoring the Ralph Lauren Breast Cancer Center hosted by Prince William at Windsor Castle.  Kate Middleton still hasn’t made a public appearance since April 25th and despite not being slated to attend the event, some guests were hoping for a surprise appearance by the Duchess of Doolittle.  Sure, because Kate is infamous for squeezing in some extra work wherever she can get it, just like she alledgedly used to sneak off in the middle of the night to do covert charity work under the cloak of darkness and fights crime as a caped crusader.

No, sorry, the Duchess whose work total is being padded by Buckingham Palace to now include travel time has no events on the calendar.  She also isn’t affiliated with the Justice League.  Apparently Kate is ducking duties in an effort to get knocked up with the Spare.  She’s convinced herself or at least her husband that she needs to be totally stress-free devoid of all duchess duties in order for her eggs to be more receptive to the notion of fertilization.  Well, she’s lazy, it stands to reason her eggs are as well.

Since George’s birth, there’s always some concocted story that Kate’s already pregnant and with a girl, spun by journalists looking for a headline to make the fictional fairytale seem even more complete.  Even Kate’s publicly tossing back a few glasses of wine and taking the Shotover Jet in Queenstown on April 13th wasn’t enough to dispel the rumors for a while by gossip columnists using faulty math.

There are all sorts of rumors that Kate’s royally peeved with Prince William for his letting loose in Memphis during Guy Pelly’s wedding.  She’s ticked, but not because Wills belted out “Shout”, she’s annoyed because she was ovulating.  Personally I can see why she’s not pleased, since procreation requires sex, she’d probably want to avoid any excess effort and hope for a direct shot to score.  Well, the Mattress made her bed with her Big Willie (so nicknamed for the reason that just made you throw up a little in your mouth as your uterus winced), she’s got to sleep with it.

Now, Kate and Wills did make one cute Grumpy Cat kid.

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Prince William’s petulance and Lazy Katie’s aversion to effort blended together seamlessly to produce an adorable Prince George who has already inspired an abundance of Prince Cranky Pants memes.  Popsugar has a very cute collection of Royal Vacation Tour grumpy pics: http://www.popsugar.com/Prince-George-Unimpressed-34595764#photo-34595812

Prince George has apparently inherited his mother’s dimples, although it’s doubtful we’ll see them much employed, he’s just the future king of the United Kingdom and stands to inherit a vast fortune, which is just such a burden.  The Halfblood Prince seems to favor the Middleton side genetically so hopefully the Windsor genes won’t stage a coup when he’s a teenager.  It’s very possible the Spare will favor the Spencer side.  Can you imagine if Kate gave birth to a daughter who looked like Princess Diana?  I’m fairly certain she can and that she pictures it over and over in her head as she gazes at her Precious.

For now Kate’s eggs are resting comfortably until the next time one is expected to emerge from her ovaries for royal duty.  Her entire reproductive system is very delicate, after all it’s not like reproduction is something every single living organism is capable of… oh, wait, it is.  Kate’s just not a multi-tasker, though, she just can’t be expected to put on a pretty dress for charity and ovulate at the same time.

Both Kate and Prince William want their kids to be close in age because of their own sibling relationships.  The timing for Kate’s conception could have a second motivating factor, though.  It would be beneficial if Kate could be seen smiling coyly with an implied pregnancy glow as she leaves the hospital being treated for acute morning sickness when the Royal Household Expenses are reported at the end of June.  They are bracing themselves for some serious backlash and nothing seems to garner more good will than popping out a royal baby.

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Royal Family is Trippin’

Prince William, Kate Middleton and Prince George are on their way to Australia and New Zealand and we’re assured by the UK press that everyone is excited about it.  Waity Katie can’t wait because she’s always wanted to visit, Prince William can’t wait because he has been there before, and Prince Georgie is probably thinking, “I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.”  We’re assured the people of Australia and New Zealand are simply giddy waiting for the trio to touch down.  Because the UK Press has absolutely nothing to gain by passing along royal propaganda.

I mean, it’s not like Royal Family and the press they abhor so much have any kind of agreement in place like the press won’t take pictures of them during their private down time and in exchange for their cooperation in not publishing anything that would damage the carefully crafted public images of the Royals, the Palace will “leak” information to the press, providing them with juicy little tidbits about the Royals so they can sell their papers and magazines.  Oh, wait a second, that’s exactly the arrangement in place.  The often-quoted “anonymous source” in articles about members of the Royal Family is the Buckingham Palace Press Office which of course obtains permission before “leaking” any juicy little tidbits.  (Of course disgruntled staff members and the Royals themselves with their own agenda have also been known to leak to the press directly without going through the Buckingham Palace Press Office.)  Members of the press who do not comply with the arrangement are frozen out.

The Daily Mail published an article about how the Duchess of Cambridge “will use the Royal tour of New Zealand and Australia to champion the cause closest to her heart – the children’s hospice movement.”  The article then went on to praise her and the article went on to compare Lazy to Princess Diana who worked tirelessly for her causes and dared to call Lazy “Queen of Hearts”.  The outrage this caused was so intense, the Daily Mail stopped publishing comments thirteen hours ago and I’ve noticed the tally of comments has decreased.

My comment was not published.  I pointed out that Lazy Kate has only done four appearances to date this year, none of which were for children’s causes and she often mispronounces “palliative”, a word she shouldn’t struggle with if palliative care was truly a cause close to her heart.   I suggested that the article should be labeled a paid endorsement.

Weird they didn’t publish that.

Here are some comments they did publish, though.

Someone from Australia noted:

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To which someone in New Zealand responded:

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And people from the UK and Canada chimed in with:

DMResponse3

I have yet to hear one positive comment about the Lazy Duo from anyone in Australia or New Zealand which is probably the point of the visit.  It’s generally assumed that upon the death of Queen Elizabeth II, New Zealand, Australia and Canada will declare themselves full republics.  Out of the mouths of babes who don’t know either what function Prince William and Kate serve: http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/royal-tour/9905651/What-do-Prince-William-and-Kate-Middleton-really-do.

Diana’s 1983 Australian tour with Prince Charles and baby William cast the Royal Family in a very positive light; engaging and enchanting princess, adorable baby, and heir to the throne, all a promising and captivating picture of what the future could hold.  The Royal Family is trying to pull a repeat.  They’ve got a royal trio, but magic can’t be manufactured and Kate is a poor understudy to Princess Diana, try as she might, Pageant Girl has no passion for charity work, her interests are in shopping and hair appointments.

Trying to claim that Kate is a champion for children’s hospices is a feeble attempt to make her seem endearing to those who haven’t been paying attention to her idle approach to Duchessing.  This year, her mere four appearances have been at the National Portrait Gallery where she flubbed a seven sentence speech she had to read from cards and admired a portrait of herself, an appearance at the opening of the Art Room at the Northolt High School, a meet and greet with celebrities at Buckingham Palace and handing out shamrocks to Irish Guards on St. Patrick’s Day.  The rest of the time she was busy going over-budget on taxpayer-funded renovations for her home at her Kensington Palace and off on two luxury vacations.  Queen of Hearts?  Hardly.  If anything, she’s the Joker.

Here’s the tour schedule the Daily Mirror published with its exhausting wine tasting, draining boat rides and strenuous “Rest” days.

NEW ZEALAND

  • April 7 – Wellington: Arrive to ceremonial welcome.
  • April 8 – Rest.
  • April 9 – Wellington: Meet parents and their babies at Government House, hopefully with George.
  • April 10 – Blenheim: Events to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the start of the First World War.
  • Wellington: State Reception where William will unveil a portrait of the Queen.
  • April 11 – Auckland: Meet serving air force personnel and their families. Race each other across Auckland Harbour in Team New Zealand Americas Cup yachts. Ride on a Sealegs craft – boat that can be driven into and out of water. 
  • April 12 – Waikato: William views an aircraft factory while Kate goes to a children’s hospice. Both travel through Hamilton town centre and meet Olympic athletes and open the new velodrome. 
  • April 13 – Dunedin (Travel away from George for one night): Maori tribal welcome, visit cathedral then watch and participate in a Rippa Rugby tournament – non contact rugby.
  • Queenstown: Wine tasting, travel on the Shotover Jet – 50mph white water ride.
  • April 14 – Christchurch: Ceremony for those who died in 2011 earthquake. Watch a 2015 Cricket World Cup event, later visit air force museum and memorial wall. 
  • April 15 – Rest.
  • April 16 – Wellington: Visit a police training college, sign the city’s visitor book then depart.

AUSTRALIA

  • April 16 – Sydney: Arrive and attend reception at the Sydney Opera House.
  • April 17 – Sydney: Fire-ravaged street in Blue Mountains.
  • April 18 – Sydney: Attend the Royal Easter Show, visit a children’s hospice before watching a demonstration by surf life-saving volunteers. 
  • April 19 – Brisbane: RAF base visit then reception for Queensland’s young people. 
  • April 20 – Sydney: Cathedral service then visit Taronga Zoo where the bilby enclosure is being named after Prince George.
  • April 21 – Rest.
  • April 22 – Uluru (Ayres Rock) (Second night away from George): Visit the National Indigenous Training Academy, view Aboriginal art display then walk round part of the rock.
  • April 23 – Adelaide: View young people’s music workshop and watch skateboarding display.
  • April 24 – Canberra: Visit the National Portrait Gallery, attend a reception at Parliament House, plant a tree at the National Arboretum.
  • April 25 – Canberra: Attend ANZAC Day March, lay a wreath and plant a ‘Lone Pine’ tree in the Memorial Garden.
  • Depart for home.

Articles like the one the Daily Mail published are offensive, expecting the public to accept these ridiculous attempts to salvage the royal image.  Respect is earned, not carefully crafted by PR teams.  The Press dubbed Kate Middleton Waity Katie.  And she was also referred to quite frequently in the press as The Mattress.

The Duchess formerly known as The Mattress leads off the cheeky Entertainmentwise.com article published yesterday.  Here’s a screen grab.

ScreenGrabofTheMattress

For those who can’t tell, Kate Middleton is the mattress on the right.

The very press who blasted this woman for almost a decade as being lazy, waiting around for a prince who cheated on her to marry her, giving her the mattress moniker that eluded to her open-leg policy when it came to royalty, now expects us to buy that this woman who rarely makes any charity appearances actually cares about something other than being Mrs. Prince William, shopping, salon appointments and luxury vacations?

Ridiculous.  The Palace has let her skate by with only four engagements to date in 2014 (and really, it’s being generous counting making small-talk with celebrities as an engagement).  If they want us to respect her, she has to earn it.  Until then, I would appreciate it if the press would refer to Kate Middleton by the titles she has earned: Lazy Katie, Waity Katie, The Duchess of Doolittle, and The Mattress.

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Kate Middleton Crowned New Madame Déficit

When it was announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton were engaged, comparisons were immediately drawn between the late Princess Diana and the woman who was now wearing her sapphire engagement ring.  Beyond Kate referencing the mother-in-law she never met through her clothing choices and photo ops, there really are very few similarities.

Back from the Maldives vacation, Kate logged one more official engagement, presenting shamrocks to Irish Guards in Aldershot, Hampshire on St. Patrick’s Day, which brought her total up to four for 2014.  Kate was wearing a brand new outfit, to the relief of the most loyal royalist fashionistas who worried she would try to pull off the dreaded coat threepeat, the effects of which would be more cataclysmic than a meteor the size of Texas hitting the Earth.   Then Kate put a Do Not Disturb Sign on the door to her oblivious privilege and devoted herself to redecorating the redecorated Kensington Palace as well as the couple’s Anmer Hall ten bedroom country house with no more official engagements to clutter her calendar or pretty little head until the Australian/New Zealand tour next month.

Amidst recent unflattering press, Kate’s frivolous spending habits and work-shy approach to her duties have her being compared to another royal figure, a former Queen Consort named Marie Antoinette, who was single-handedly blamed for bringing down the French monarchy.

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Marie Antoinette Kate Middleton
Earthquake in Lisbon on her date of birth Earthquake in Canada & New England on her date of birth
A bit of a tomboy when younger A bit of a tomboy when younger
Marriage arranged by mother Marriage orchestrated by mother
Had to go through French Princess Bootcamp Had to go through Duchess Bootcamp
Described by the Abbé de Vermond as “rather lazy and extremely frivolous” Reportedly described by Queen Elizabeth as “vain, vapid and lazy”
Sisters disfigured by small pox Sister disfigured by strange orange-hued skin
Had teeth fixed as condition of marriage to French dauphin Had teeth fixed by French dentist prior to marriage
April Bride – Married April 19, 1770 April Bride – Married April 29, 2011
Waited 7 years for her husband to have sex with her Waited 10 years for Prince William to become her husband
Intentionally powdered her hair white Gray roots caused global freak-out
Initially loved by the people for her beauty Initially loved by the people for her beauty
Conception rumors early in marriage (Louis XVI rumored to be impotent) Conception rumors early in marriage (Kate rumored to be infertile, William rumored to be Antichrist)
Brother helped address couple’s sex issue Brother no help wearing a dress
Spent a lot of money on clothing Spends a lot of money on clothing
Favorite Designer: Rose Bertin Favorite Designer: Jenny Packham
Obsessed with her hair Obsessed with her hair
Wore heavy makeup with kohl around eyes & lots of blush Wears heavy makeup with black eyeliner & lots of blush
Not permitted to bring pug Mops with her to France Not permitted to bring cocker spaniel Lupo to Sandringham at Christmas
Nicknamed Madame Déficit  & Madame Veto Nicknamed Waity Katie, Lazy Katie, Duchess of Doolittle & Madame Déficit
Most cruel nickname: The Austrian Whore Most cruel nickname: The Mattress
Good dancer Good dancer
Strong presence of domineering mother throughout marriage Strong presence of domineering mother throughout marriage
Had a lady in waiting in charge of her underwear Probably should have someone making sure she’s wearing underwear
Icy relationship with King’s mistress Rumored icy relationship with Prince Charles’ once former mistress
Extremely chummy with husband’s brother, Charles Extremely chummy with husband’s brother Harry
Liked to redecorate Likes to redecorate
Cost of La Petit Trianon renovations spiraled out of control Cost of Kensington Palace renovations spiraled out of control
Indecisive dull homebody husband Indecisive dull homebody husband
Unsubstantiated rumors she slept with son Unsubstantiated rumors she slept with brother-in-law
Considered not very bright Ditzy comments suggest the bulb is low wattage
Enjoyed hunting Enjoyed hunting, or at least pretended to until she bagged William
Constantly featured in gossip pamphlets called libelles Constantly featured in gossip magazines
Loved bonbons Loves bonbons
Seemingly oblivious to suffering of people Seemingly oblivious to suffering of people
French Invasion of Privacy – ladies in waiting watched her bathe French invasion of Privacy – Paparazzi snapped topless & bottomless pics
Enjoyed putting on plays Enjoyed being in plays
Marrieta, Ohio named after Marie Antoinette Butter London’s “No More Waity, Katie” nailpolish named after Kate
Wore purple shoes to her execution Wore purple shoes & black dress to a wedding & faced fashion firing squad
Frivolous spending contributed to French Revolution Frivolous spending revolting
October 16, 1793 – Beheaded to cheers of once-adoring public October 16, 2013 – 220 years later, Kate goes shopping, Quelle surprise!

While Marie Antoinette has been historically vilified, she wasn’t malicious, she was a rather dull superficial woman whose capacity for kindness was dwarfed by her weakness for extravagance.  She lost the connection between her heart and mind at a time when those who were struggling looked to the monarchy for reassurance and instead saw profligacy.  It’s up to Kate how she is historically remembered, there is kindness within her, hopefully she has the strength of character to not to be lured further away from it by the siren’s song  of decadence.

March is Women’s History Month.  Perhaps Kate can be inspired by the women in this article who are changing the world: http://act.mtv.com/posts/8-women-who-are-changing-the-world/

I know the incredible women behind Thinx: Miki Agrawal, Antonia Dunbar and Radha Agrawal and I am lucky to count Antonia Dunbar as one of my dearest friends.  Antonia radiates warmth, embodies strength, and possesses graceful invincibility.  The luminous beauty of her heart, mind, body and soul co-mingle in molecular and metaphysical fluidity.  Each and every day she strives to make the world better and each and every day she succeeds.  As co-founder of Thinx, Antonia was driven by the discovery that there are 67 million women in the world whose lives were adversely affected by their sanitary needs.  An idea to provide sexy underwear with powerful purpose became a mission.  Three women changing the world, something each of us has the capability to do.

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