Tag Archives: Waity Katie

William and Kate’s Five Year Anniversary

Five years ago, Kate Middleton entered Westminster Abbey and emerged Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn and Lady Carrickfergus.  After a near decade-long wait to become Mrs. Prince William, the woman who had been referred to in the press as Waity Katie, The Mattress, Her Royal Thighness and the Royal Doormat was repackaged as a perfect fairytale princess.

The royal love story was respun to sound a bit less stalkery.  In “Kate, The Future Queen”, Katie Nicholls revealed that in order to increase her chances of becoming Mrs. Prince William, the Edinburgh-bound Kate decided to take a gap year and applied to be in Prince William’s class at St. Andrews.  William and Kate’s first meeting wasn’t even at St. Andrews, in the summer 1999 they were introduced by Emilia d’Erlanger at “Club H” at Highgrove, but Kate failed to make an impression on William.  Three years later, a sheer dress Kate wore at a charity fashion show finally did the trick.

In their eight years of dating before the engagement announcement,  Kate reportedly found herself cast aside for Jecca Craig at William’s 21st birthday party, in 2004 before exams, Kate was dumped for “more space” which then took the form of Jecca Craig, in 2005 Kate was briefly replaced by Isabella Calthorpe who decided the princess life wasn’t for her, and in April 2007 William broke up with Kate for a couple of months, infamously jumping up on a table after dumping her via cell phone, shouting, “I’m free!”  And yet, Kate still wanted to marry Prince William.

Kate’s wedding prep focused on the physical.  In addition to having her teeth fixed and extensive beauty treatments, Kate lost so much weight that at an engagement in Ireland before the wedding, a woman expressed concern Kate was becoming too thin.  Kate replied,  “It’s all part of the plan!”  The Palace Press Office tried to keep Kate’s comment contained, noting, “It’s a hugely private matter.”  It’s too bad Kate’s plan didn’t also include preparing for her new duties.

By all accounts, Kate was calm and composed before the wedding.  According to Marina Sandoval who did Kate’s manicure for the wedding, “She didn’t display an ounce of nerves.  She was just happy that the day was here at last.”  Her hair stylist Richard Ward noted, “She has been remarkably relaxed from the start… Everyone else was nervous, but not Kate. She just took it all in her stride and was calming everyone else down.”

There were no pre-wedding jitters or obvious nerves getting married in front of 1,900 guests and millions watching around the world.  Waity Katie who had been dubbed “Princess-in-Waiting” at Marlborough appeared triumphant about waitying no more.

Kate wore a classically pretty but somewhat underwhelming wedding dress by Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen, her wedding veil was so flat, it looked like she was wearing a stocking over her face to knock over a liquor store and the makeup which Kate did herself reminded me of the similarly heavy-handed application of a transvestite hooker who once told me that my outfit was fierce.

The 20 foot maple trees that decorated Westminster Abbey in hindsight feel like a prelude to the massive amount of privacy trees planted at Anmer Hall but at the time they just seemed ridiculous.  Kate filled the abbey with British flora, her Language of Flowers vision reportedly cost £50,000.

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When Kate said “I do”, she became an official representative of the UK and the monarchy, a job she appears to have had no intention of doing.

In the engagement interview, Kate stated, “I’m willing to learn quickly and work hard,” and yet in her five years since becoming a duchess, Kate has only delivered 8 short shaky speeches, gone on four royal tours and has undertaken a combined 390 engagements to date, a grand total for five years on par with what the 90-year-old Queen averages in one year (in 2014, the Queen undertook 393 engagements).

Ahead of the five year royal wedding anniversary, Ingrid Seward, editor-in-chief of Majesty magazine suggested that Kate’s dismal efforts are born from a fear she’s going to screw up royally.  Seward who must be suffering from amnesia noted, “She hasn’t made any mistakes, which is extraordinary when you think of how difficult it is for her.  I suppose the only mistake she’s made is that she’s probably seen not always as particularly interesting but I think she’s absolutely terrified of not doing it right.”

Really, Kate’s only short-coming is that she’s dull?  Just off the top of my head, Kate’s event totals are so dismally low, last year she only accounted for 1.66% of the royal family’s workload.  She’s been criticized for frequent luxury holidays, selecting more glamorous events like film premieres, Wimbledon, galas, wine tastings and ignoring ones that don’t seem to interest her, like those involving her charities that aren’t connected to Ben Ainslie.  Kate’s Received Pronunciation affectation has inhibited her ability to deliver the few brief speeches she’s attempted, causing her to mispronounce the name of the charity in one and struggle with words like “palliative” in others.  The occasional comments she makes at events lack substance but still are dutifully reported by the press because she offers nothing else of substance.  Actual Kate official event quotes include: “And can it… can you… um… test the… the smell by smelling it?”; “It’s very shiny.”; “Oh it’s actually not bad if you were desperately hungry.”; “I like your hair.”; “I like your nails.”; “No! Oh no, is that me? Is that meant to be me?  Does my hair really look like that!” (in response to a doll a girl was holding); “Oh, I know now who you are.  Although it’s very strange… now you have got facial hair.  Some of the people who had facial hair in the film don’t have facial hair now.” (in speaking to actor Tom Hiddleston); and most recently, when told of street children being mutilated to make money begging, she responded, “Gosh, so interesting.”

In her five years since joining the royal family, Kate has offended many by smiling, laughing, and playing with her hair during balcony appearances on Remembrance Sunday, sparking outrage in 2013 as she dreamily gazed off in the distance while twirling her hair during the solemn event.  Kate being a professed hands-on mother has been offered as the reason Kate puts in the fewest event totals each year in the British Royal Family and yet Prince George is most frequently papped with his nanny.  When George was seven months old, Kate had no trouble leaving him behind while she took a Maldives escape (her second luxury holiday in two months) with Prince William while her mother oversaw the shift in his care from Nanny Jessie Webb to Nanny Maria.  During the Cambridge’s controversial family ski get-away earlier this year, both Prince George and Princess Charlotte were left to the care of nannies while Kate and William took to the slopes because their children are obviously too young to ski yet.  Five years into being a duchess and Kate has had wardrobe malfunctions in the double digits and the Royal Flasher still has yet to undertake one single official tour without exposing herself while acting as an official representative of the United Kingdom and the British Monarchy.  That doesn’t sound like the actions of a “terrified” Kate.

As it turns out, there was another wardrobe malfunction in India on the final day of the royal tour.  My brain was frozen over with boredom by then and I missed it, so this is brought to you by royal watcher, Julie RocketQueen.  Apparently when Kate and William were recreating the iconic Princess Diana photo at the Taj Mahal, Kate flashed her undies.

KateTajShot

Kate’s panties were white with a four-petal flower design.  My apologies for the pixelation, but I don’t feel like hunting down a high resolution image since the pattern of the panties is visible in this pic, the flower’s outline appears to be dark blue with marigold centers.

Kate'sTajPanties

So maybe this second wardrobe malfunction is actually encouraging.  After five years of duchessing, the future Queen Consort is now finally wearing underwear.

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The State of the Precious

One of the close-up photos of Princess Diana’s engagement ring taken during the 75th Anniversary of the RAF Air Cadets Kate attended has caused some concern among royal watchers that Princess Diana’s engagement ring might have been damaged by Kate or was perhaps a cheap knock-off.

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What looks like a tarnished silver band is nothing more than the effect of camera flashes bouncing off of the Welsh gold wedding band next to it.  There are pictures of Princess Diana wearing her engagement ring with the same bounced light effects.

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Princess Diana’s engagement ring is a 12 carat oval Ceylon sapphire surrounded by fourteen  diamonds set in 18kt white gold.  The then Lady Diana Spencer selected the ring in February 1981 from a tray with other sapphire rings from Garrard’s collection.  The ring was not unique and could be purchased by anyone with the £28,000 to spend on it.  As soon as the first photos were released, the 80s became plagued by cheap knock-offs.

Initially, the ring came with eight prongs, but by December 1981, six additional prongs were added to Princess Diana’s engagement ring.

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Princess Diana was reportedly concerned the sapphire would slip out of its original setting.  While I’m not a fan of the ring to begin with, the adding of prongs to me creates visual imbalance, especially since a couple of the added prongs were somewhat oddly angled. This imperfection in reinforcement, however, helps with gauging the authenticity of Diana’s engagement ring.

On the left is Diana’s engagement ring  on Princess Diana’s finger, on the right is the ring on Kate’s finger.  The prongs line up perfectly.

Diana'sFingerKate'sFinger

If Kate wears a copy of Princess Diana’s engagement ring, it has been flawlessly executed.  While it’s not uncommon for some women to make copies  of their own jewels which have enormous financial, historical or sentimental value, having compared numerous photos of the ring on each wearer, I believe Kate has and wears the real deal.

In the engagement interview, Prince William confirmed, “It’s my mother’s engagement ring.  So I thought it was quite nice because obviously she’s not going to be around to share any of the fun and excitement of it all – this was my way of keeping her sort of close to it all.”

Reaction to Kate wearing Princess Diana’s engagement ring was mixed when the engagement was announced, many wondering why a future bride would even want to wear ring from such an unhappy union.  The ring is so closely identified with Princess Diana that almost five years into Kate’s marriage, it is still referred  to as Princess Diana’s ring.  By the way Kate seems to consciously keep her engagement ring displayed at events, it seems fairly safe to assume she is fine with  wearing a dated ring which seems incongruous to her individual style and personality.  But even if she wasn’t, changing the setting was likely not even an option for Kate who could have had a spectacular Art Deco-inspired setting made for the oval  sapphire.  Many women won’t wear engagement rings from marriages that ended in divorce but there are some who believe the “curse” or “bad energy” can be broken up by changing the setting.

ArtDecoSetting

The sapphire and its diamonds could also be used in a setting such as this:

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The orientation of the stone could  also be switched with diamonds used  in the band, similar to this Jes MaHarry ring.  But had Kate dared to change the setting, she likely would have received a tremendous amount of backlash.

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Many people are superstitious about gems, including the British Royal Family which is apprehensive  about  using  rubies for engagement rings  because the stone is associated with a death and two divorces in the family.  No male heir to the British throne has ever worn the Koh-i-Noor diamond because of the gender-specific Hindu curse which is said to bring misfortune to any man who wears it.  But Prince William is either more sentimental or cheaper than he is superstitious and so the ring remains a symbol  of a doomed romance and a bright light tragically extinguished on the finger of a woman associated with Waityness and laziness.

Kate appears to take care of Princess Diana’s ring, heeding Prince William’s warning issued during the engagement interview, “If she loses it she’s in big trouble.”  Before her wedding, Kate had the ring resized because it became loose on her finger when she lost weight.  The eternity band she wears is rumored to be extra insurance against the ring slipping off.

Sapphires are a 9 on the Mohs Hardness Scale, second only to diamonds, so they are extremely difficult but not impossible to scratch.   The ring is 18kt so it is 75% gold mixed with other alloys.  White gold is typically coated with rhodium which wears down over time.  Many jewelers recommend bringing in engagement rings once a year to be professionally cleaned and checked since hand lotion, soaps, household cleaners and even a body’s natural oils can damage rings.  Given how Kate appears to avoid anything involving effort with a staff to handle the household tasks which can be the most damaging to rings, Princess Diana’s ring on Kate’s finger probably isn’t all that much different than if it were resting inside a vault.

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Impressions Of Kate

Before Kate Middleton was Kate Middleton, she was Kate Middleton, a young woman described by CG editor Dylan Jones in March 2007 as “probably the most intriguing woman in Britain right now, principally because we know so little about her.”

Really all the world knew about Kate at that time was that she was Prince William’s girlfriend.  She had graduated from St. Andrews in 2005 with a degree in Art History, lived in London in a flat purchased for her by her parents, spent most  of her time with her mother, shopping, was often spotted out with William, she didn’t work and her career aspiration was to become Mrs. Prince William.  The press quoted a friend source as saying, “Kate seems at a loss over her future and just seems to be waiting for Wills to pop the question. She has not settled on a career path.”

After waiting for eight years for William to propose and finally getting the Precious, no one even knew which name she preferred to go, and a Kate versus Catherine debate ensued.  In March 2011, a woman outside of Belfast City Hall finally asked Kate which she preferred to put the matter to rest.  Kate replied, “I’m still very much Kate.”

I guess she forgot to tell William because he started referring to his new wife as Catherine.  Maybe William decided he preferred Catherine to Kate.  I’m sure that  happens all the time with newlyweds.  If I ever get married, I think I’m going to rename my future husband Matthew Gray Gubler.  Or Wolverine.

There were no scandalous stories about the royal bride, Kate, suggesting she was the perfect candidate as a future Queen Consort.  A generation earlier, Lady Diana Spencer had been deemed a perfect royal bride because she was a woman with “a history, but not a past”.  The nineteen year old Diana came from a well-known noble family, had spent time with the royal family  growing up, shared an apartment with friends, had held a few jobs including working as a kindergarten teacher, despite having a pedigree and trust fund, she also did odd jobs cleaning friends’ apartments, working as a baby-sitter and mother’s helper, loved children dearly and was known to be hard-working, kind and a bit  shy.  At 19, Diana had a pristine but promising story for the press to tell and had already worked more than the 29-year-old woman who would marry her son.  Oddly Kate had scarcely left any kind of indication at all she had existed for nearly three decades.

There just weren’t many stories to tell or friends to extoll her virtues to the press.  After university, Kate’s work history consisted of one part-time job infrequently attended and quickly abandoned.  To many classmates, she was entirely forgettable. But, at a reader’s request, I have gathered up the impressions of Kate from those who remembered her before her story was rewritten in order to sell a woman who had been referred to in the press as Waity Katie, The Mattress, Her Royal Thighness  and The Royal Doormat, as a perfect fairytale princess.

In September 1995, thirteen year old Kate enrolled in the all-girls boarding school Downe House.  After only two semesters Kate transferred  out because she wasn’t well liked.  The press later ran stories suggesting Kate left because of bullying, the claims were all disproven because they were fabricated with the assumption she had been a boarder, which she never was.  The school’s headmistresses, Miss Cameron, confirmed that Kate was never bullied, describing her as awkward, unhappy, unable to adapt and fit in.

One of the classmates who remembered Kate noted, “You never saw her smile.  I didn’t envy her short brown bob, her boyish figure, nor her eczema, but when it came to height and sportiness she was lucky. I still find it hard to understand that in her year-group of more than 100 girls she did not find a single kindred spirit, not even on the lacrosse pitch, where she was at home.”

Another classmate who was able  to recall Kate scoffed at the idea that Kate had even been teased or given a dirty look, indicated Kate was “regarded as a nonentity” and the other girls “thought she was not worth bothering with.”

Other than an echoed recollection of Kate being a girl with bad skin and sullen look, Kate left no other impression on her classmates.

Kate transferred to Marlborough which was co-ed, thought to be a better match for her because as Miss Cameron explained, “Kate was happier around boys.”  Unfortunately Kate wasn’t at first, her gloom persisted even with boys around because she  wasn’t popular.  According to Gemma Williamson,  “One day they decided to rate each of the girls out of 10. Kate scored badly.  She turned to her mother and on returning from the summer holiday had undergone a transformation.”

After Carole’s summer project of making Kate more appealing to boys by helping her acquire what Williamson described as “a  perfect  body”, a more “confident” Kate discovered she could become more popular with boys by pulling down her pants and show them her bare bum.  “Sometimes jokingly we called her Middlebum, ” Williamson explained. “At 14 she joined other girls mooning boys from their dorm window,” another classmate indicated.  Jessica Hayes recalled that Kate became addicted to mooning and estimated she did it about 80 times before the school intervened.  I’m not really sure how one becomes addicted to mooning, but as someone who was starting to develop a pretty serious Twizzler addiction, perhaps I’m not one to judge.

Marlborough’s staff  has been directed not to speak with anyone about anything Kate did while at Marlborough that would reflect poorly on her image and were specifically instructed to  say no comment about her serial mooning, but some have dished off the record because let’s face it, all teachers are under-paid and under-appreciated for all that they have to put up with.   One of the teachers finally had to pull Kate aside and explain to her that while exposing herself to boys may appear to be an easy way now to become more popular, it wasn’t smart and urged her to consider how constantly exposing herself could come back to haunt her.  Another teacher spoke to a reporter on the condition his identity not be revealed because of the school-imposed gag order on staff.  He described Kate as, “unexceptional.  Anyone who remembers differently is probably talking with the benefit of hindsight.”

Kate was nicknamed “Princess-in-Waiting” at Marlborough because of her fixation with Prince William.  Jessica Hayes recalled Kate spending hours pouring over magazine, learning everything she could about the man she vowed to marry.

When Kate’s sister Pippa started Marlborough, Kate became more confident.  Despite being the younger sister, classmates referred to Pippa as the “alpha sister” and Kate as the “beta sister”.  Pippa was more popular, smarter, better at sports and became the captain of Kate’s hockey team.  One classmate noted, “Pippa was slightly tough and, back then, the one with the charisma. No one would ever think of bullying her.”  Despite the age difference, the Wisteria Sisters managed to be together almost all of the time.  In addition to being socially dependent on her sister, Kate was also known as a “Mummy’s girl”.

But that wasn’t the only impression Kate was making.  In the 2000 Leavers’ Yearbook, a classmate wrote, “Catherine’s perfect  looks are renowned but her obsession with her tits are not.  She is often found squinting down her top and screaming, “They’re growing!”

Kate intended on attending Edinburgh when it was announced Prince William was taking a gap year and would be enrolled at St. Andrews the following year, Kate ripped up her acceptance letter and applied to St. Andrews, taking a gap year so she would be in his class.  Part of 19-year-old Kate’s gap year was spent as a deckhand on corporate hospitality boats, mainly serving drinks on yachts for wealthy clients.  The girls wore a polo shirt, navy blazer and their own shorts in black or navy.  Kate was remembered for wearing the shortest of short shorts.  Several male crew members provided pretty much identical quotes as one of the captains: “The thing about her that stood out was her legs and those shorts.”  While the male crew enjoyed asking her to scrub the deck, the captain admitted needing to tell her,  “Kate, would you mind not standing by that hatch when you are serving because it’s a bit revealing for anyone below deck.”   Despite the show she put on, one member described her as “rather prudish”.  Several noted it was obvious Kate had her sights set on a higher class of man than would be working as part of a ship’s crew.

Contrary to the fairytale myth, Kate had already met William prior to St. Andrews.  Paul Horsford reflected on talking about William with Kate in 2001 during her brief gap year stint doing corporate hospitality.  When he commented that maybe Kate would get to meet William at one of the events, she replied, “I’ve already met him once or twice.”

The “once” was during the summer of 1999.  Emilia d’Erlanger, a long-time friend of William’s, brought Kate to “Club H”, Prince’s William and Harry’s den in the cellars of Highgrove.  The “or twice”  was a fleeting encounter at a school event.  Kate failed to make an impression, though, on William.

William and Kate started shacking up during their second year at St. Andrews.  They tried to keep a low profile by dining out early so they wouldn’t be spotted, although given how notoriously cheap William is, it’s possible he was trying to take advantage of Early Bird Specials.  One of their favorite haunts was The Oak Rooms where a quoted observer (it sounds like he was either the manager or owner) noted, “They’re always very affectionate and smoochy.  And, just like ordinary college kids, they always go dutch on the check.”

Once Kate finally got William, her focus shifted to keeping him. She dropped the few female friends she had made who have been very gracious in the press about being frozen out of her life.  One noted, “I don’t even think she dropped us deliberately. But she has to be so careful about where she goes now and all the arrangements that it became more trouble than it was worth.”  A few females did survive the cut: her mother, her sister and a couple of girls who weren’t a perceived threat.

People who encountered Kate at the clubs described her as “rude”, “dour” and “plain”.  One girl dubbed  her Cerberus after the three-headed dog that guards the gates of Hades in Greek mythology for her body-blocking of any girl who tried to approach William.

While the press has printed stories about William’s friends making “doors to manuals” sneers, suggesting they didn’t approve of Kate because of her middle class roots, individuals I’ve spoken have denied such claims.  William’s friends disliked Kate because of her unpleasant personality, flakiness and her off-putting behavior towards them.

During the Waiting Years, Kate had a habit of agreeing to be involved in charity work but then not bothering to respond when contacted and was a no-show at some events she indicated she was keen on attending.  William’s circle felt she acted as if she was above extending common courtesy.

According to one of Kate’s friends, “She has quite a bad reputation for being rude when it comes to responding to letters.  She often fails to RSVP when she is asked to attend events. She once failed to reply to a wedding invitation from one of William’s friends and it didn’t go down very well.”

The characterization of Kate as a “cold, dull, serious girl” by William’s friends in Penny Juror’s book Prince William: The Man Who Will Be King  is one of the most succinct descriptions of Kate’s personality that I’ve heard to date.

Prince  William gave the okay for Penny Junor to speak with friends, classmates and teachers for her book, Prince William: The Man Who Will Be King.  Other quotes from the book offered further insight into The Woman Who Will Be Queen Consort.  One of Kate’s tutors from St. Andrews noted, “She was another girl in a pashmina. When I read about her charismatic personality — well, maybe it’s developed, but it wasn’t that obvious then.”

The experiences of those who have met Kate have differed so drastically from the carefully crafted image that has been packaged for public consumption, some who have not been interviewed for books or articles have come forward on public platforms to share their impressions of Kate.

The comment section of a Jezebel article on Celebrity Encounters contained a contribution from St. Andrews alumni who had been in Kate’s class.  I’ve done some editing due to length, but it can be viewed in its entirety at http://jezebel.com/the-be…-a-dick-to-you-1704797468

The contributor was a student at St. Andrews and tells the story of a close  friend she refers to as Tina who had a class with Prince William (referred to as P-Dubya) and a weekly tutorial with Kate (referred to as the  skinny brunette), which was ten students in the professor’s office once a week.

“…The professor was always late letting students in, and there were no chairs in the hallway, so people would chat and be friendly as they waited.

EXCEPT for this one, very thin, brunette. My friend (let’s call her Tina) recognized her as one of the ‘followers’ of P-Dubya. But my friend was from a country far far away and couldn’t have given a shit (her country had given up the monarchy long ago).

So, Tina has a few tutorials, and she notices that the thin brunette always sits int eh chair next to her. But she never talked to anyone. Tina noticed, however, that the skinny brunette would always look over at her paper, and copy down her answers to the weekly assignments. Tina is super smart and always has all the answers, and is also an arty, anti-establishment person, so she didn’t care. In fact, one week, she went up to the skinny brunette and flat out offered her her assignment, because they had 10 minutes to kill before the professor opened the door, and why not? Skinny brunette looked down her nose at her, said, “I don’t know what you mean” and returned to texting smugly.

Well, no one fucks with Tina. So, the next week, Tina wrote 2 separate assignments. The first one, the actual one, had the answers. The second one was fake. I mean, really fake. She told me she was doing this, and we came up with the most ridiculous bullshit.

Q: When was Pearl Harbor?

A: 1492

I mean, really stupid. Like, NO ONE would believe those answers were real. So class time rolls around, and Tina waits in the hallway with the others. Skinny brunette comes, doesn’t talk to anyone. Door opens, Tina sits. Skinny sits next to her. Tina puts her fake assignment on top, to the corner of her desk. Skinny looks over, obviously copies word by word. Not even blinking.

The assignments were handed in. Tina told me she didn’t know what grade skinny got, and that was one of the last tutorials of the year, so she didn’t have much interaction after that.

TL/DR- Cate is rude, plagiarizes assignments, and dumber than a box of hair.”

Another commenter responded with:
“Can confirm. I chatted with a prof at St. Andrews who had Kate as a student and he told me, “she wrote one good paper. I suspected plagiarism, but could never prove it.a’ He didn’t think much of her.”

Kate being dumber than a box of hair does explain the growing mess of extensions and hair pieces she’s been sporting.  Clearly whatever is happening there, she has been out-witted.

A while back, I was anonymously contacted by a woman I believe was a member of Kate’s staff who shared her own impressions of Kate who she described as being not very bright.  Basically, she  seemed to share the opinion that a box of hair could beat Kate at a game of checkers.  What I found most interesting about what she told me is how Kate perceives herself, as a great mind and puppet-master controlling those around her.

Maybe Kate’s impression of herself is closer to reality than those who have been snickering behind her back at her lack of mental acuity.  Because if you think about it, this woman has managed to spend four and a half years reaping the full benefits of a job she very rarely shows up for, last year accounting for a mere 2.23% of the British Royal Family’s workload.  She has the largest apartment at Kensington Palace, fully renovated at taxpayer expense, a ten bedroom country estate to beige out to her heart’s content, and is supplied with a full staff so she can relax in pampered luxury.  She spends tens of thousands of dollars of her father-in-law’s duchy money annually on clothing and accessories for galas and movie premieres that count as work.  And the most stressful thing she has to deal with is how to fit a lightweight tour in between her luxury holidays.  This might be the most impressive con job in history.  And it’s being pulled off by Kate Middleton.  Or her hair.

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The Crowded Courtship of Will and Kate

Media outlets have been speculating that the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton may be on the rocks.  Kate’s most recent disappearing act can be explained by her allegedly recovering from plastic surgery but of course that doesn’t explain her absences from those countless other missed social engagements or why she so often prefers to spend extended periods of time at her parents’ home, away from her husband.

Kate and William’s marriage was described to me a while back as being more of a friendship.  I’ve never believed it was a great romance which made think it actually might go the distance, it was a more practical arrangement and given all that Kate endured to become Mrs. Prince William, there was no reason to suspect the Limpet would ever let go.

Royal fairytales sell newspapers because they provide a form of escapism from the dreariness of everyday news.  When Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s marriage first showed visible signs of disintegration, the press turned a blind eye, churning out instead candied stories of the glamorous princess and her prince living perfect lives inside an enormous palace until the obvious strain on their faces when in close proximity could no longer be ignored and the press was forced to go with the truth.

The beginnings of Kate and William’s marriage didn’t fit the typical fairytale mold, forged instead inside of a romantic bouncy castle.  The media frequently criticized Waity Katie who most believed would never make it down the aisle to wed her prized prince.  There may have been three in Princess Diana’s marriage but the courtship of William and Kate was far more crowded.

Before he began dating Kate, William had a few minor relationships.  In 2000, Prince William spent quite a bit of time with Jecca Craig during the gap year he spent at the Kenyan ranch owned by Jecca’s parents.  Usually when Jecca is mentioned, there’s reference to hers and William’s “mock engagement”, but it tends to get dismissed as an interesting anecdote about the whimsy of youth and Jecca gets relegated to the status of ex-girlfriend in the media when in reality, to William she is far more important.  Jecca has always been strong, self-assured, practical and she knows what she wants and the princess life isn’t it.  Prince William’s time at her family’s Kenyan ranch was one of the happiest of his life because he was able to escape the perceived burden of being a prince, he was young and in love with a beautiful, down-to-earth girl.

In 2001, another major figure in the William love life saga appeared on the timeline, Prince William met the gorgeous Isabella Calthorpe and developed a major crush on her.  She didn’t pay much attention to him at the time, they became friends because they had overlapping social circles.

There were rumors about William’s and Jecca’s relationship since his gap year but it wasn’t until 2003 that the media started printing stories about their involvement.  Prince William was very protective of Jecca and thinking it would spare her media scrutiny, he had St. James Palace immediately issue a statement that it, “denies that there is or ever has been any romantic liaison between Prince William and Jessica Craig.”  They admitted Prince William returned to Kenya in August 2002 to spend time with her and her family back but that was it.  Many regarded the Palace’s denial as an idiotic move, they never commented on William’s other relationships, the denial was considered confirmation Jecca was very important to William, more important to him than any other woman to whom he was romantically linked up until that point which included Kate Middleton.

Jecca and William may have been star-crossed lovers, but Jecca is far too pragmatic for any kind of sword and poison scenario and William wasn’t going to lead a life of celibacy because the girl he really wanted didn’t want a future of tiaras and ribbon cutting in the UK.

By the time of Prince William’s 21st birthday bash on June 21, 2003, Kate had been with William long enough to assume she would be sitting next to William at his 21st birthday celebration and was devastated to discover that Jecca occupied the top spot at Prince William’s side while Kate found herself exiled to another table.

Kate wasn’t liked by William’s friends.  They found her cold, boring, presumptuous and her only discernable interest appeared to be in marrying a prince.  There were a number of people hoping Jecca would replace Kate for good but it became clear Jecca had no such intention.  Jecca started dating one of William’s old school chums, dashing hopes that Jecca would serve as Kate-B-Gone.

William’s friends disliked Kate so much, they had been conspiring to get rid of her from the very beginning.  There was a group of girls chasing William, I forget what they called themselves, while each wouldn’t have minded becoming a princess, the whole thing was a bit of a lark for them as well.  When William had plans to go out, a member of the group would tip off the girls in hopes William would realize there were more options than Kate.  William would flirt, dance and drink with these girls when they could get close enough.  Kate would tag along when William went out, fiercely guarding her prince claim, physically body blocking the girls who tried to get close and even brought along another girl with her for guard duty so that one of the girls couldn’t serve as a diversion while another snuck in on the side to talk to William.  The girls hated Kate and found her guard dog behavior so ridiculous, that on at least one occasion they approached a stranger on the street because they thought William would really go for her, told her where he would be and what time to show up and they would make sure she was introduced to William.  I have it on very good authority that the random stranger had absolutely zero interest, politely declined and is in hindsight insulted they thought she was William’s type. It didn’t escape Kate’s notice that this group of girls appealed to William, they drank, had fun, wore sexier clothes so she strove to emulate them, trying to turn herself into everything William seemed to like and want.  Kate wasn’t much of a drinker initially, at first she usually had a couple over the course of an evening, but she saw that William seemed to be drawn to the girls tossing back drinks and having less-inhibited fun, so that’s what Kate did.

In 2004, William broke up with Kate right before exams.  He wanted space, shortly thereafter he reportedly discovered he had just enough space for Jecca.

After Kate and William got back together, it wasn’t long before Kate found her position as Prince William’s girlfriend was again in jeopardy.  Kate had nothing in her bag of tricks to compete with the likes of Isabella Calthorpe, very few women do.  William was so smitten with Isabella that whenever they bumped into each other, William only had eyes for Isabella and would completely forget about Kate’s existence.  At a ball in October of 2005, William was so enraptured by Isabella with whom he had spent the evening in deep conversation that Kate finally stormed off.  I’m not sure how long it took William to even notice Kate was gone.  William cast Kate aside to fully pursue Isabella.  The relationship was brief, Isabella reportedly told William that if he weren’t a prince, she could see a future for them together, but the realities of his life weren’t for her.  Kate once again was offered the now-vacant number one girlfriend position which she accepted, despite feeling humiliated for being so publicly dropped on her ass while William swooned over Isabella but William promised Kate he wouldn’t see Isabella anymore.

Once again Kate was William’s official plus one and Kate and Jecca would run into each other at weddings and various events.  Knowing how insecure Kate was and that William’s circle didn’t like Kate, Jecca went out of her way to be nice to Kate, talk to her, make her feel welcome as part of the group and reassure Kate that she was in no way a threat to her, she had absolutely no interest in living a princess life.  In 2005, Jecca even hosted Kate and William at her family’s Kenyan ranch.

Jecca was rumored to be one factor in the 2007 break-up.  My own opinion is that William got spooked because of what allegedly happened towards the end of 2006 that made the idea of a future married to Kate with babies feel more suffocatingly real and it made him want freedom.  Kate’s parents had rented the Jordanstone House in Alyth for the 2006 winter holiday, after spending Christmas with his family at Sandringham, William was supposed to join them, but he blew them off, never bothering to show.

Up until his being a no-show at the holidays, Kate was sure she and William would eventually be getting married.  William started becoming very distant.  I’m not sure if this part is true, but supposedly Kate suspected William and Jecca were romantically involved again and tried to dictate who William was and wasn’t allowed to see and he responded with something like screw you, you don’t tell me what to do, I’m Prince William and I give orders, I certainly don’t take them from you. The possibility Jecca and William were secretly romancing on the side was rumored to have also been a factor in Jecca’s canceled engagement to Hugh Crossley in 2008.  Jecca’s family released a statement that it had nothing to do with a third party, the reason Jecca called off the engagement to Hugh Crossley was because they had two vastly differently visions for the future.  Honestly, I doubt the veracity of this particular Jecca rumor.

In the months before the April 2007 break-up, Prince William was spotted snogging a girl in a nightclub, photographed in March with his hand on another woman’s breasts and was rumored to have been sneaking random girls into the barracks for some non-regulation nookie.  Most girls would have put his crown jewels in a vice grip and dumped his sorry cheating ass, but not Our Fair Waity.  Kate asked William for more of a commitment.  She should have been committed… to a mental institution.  Then William decided to break up with Kate once and for all by cell phone.  When he was done severing ties with Kate, he jumped up on the table, proclaiming, “I’m free!”

During the Limpetless Freedom Tour 2007, William attempted to see if it was possible to love every woman.  In a bid to win Prince William back, Kate began a campaign to show him what he was missing by hitting the clubs in sexier outfits and she made sure she was seen dancing and flirting with men so it would get back to William.  By June of 2007, Kate was back to existing in a suspended state of waiting for William.  In May of 2008, Prince William once again demonstrated how important Jecca was to him by skipping his own cousin’s wedding in order to attend the wedding of Jecca’s brother.  William asked Kate to attend Peter Philips’ wedding in his stead, which some interpreted as a sign it wouldn’t be long before Kate officially joined the Royal Family while others thought it was a pretty ingenious way of keeping Kate from going with him to Jecca’s brother’s wedding so he and Jecca could have some alone time.

Kate and William finally got married in 2011 and for some reason brought along friends on their honeymoon.  Their holidays were usually group affairs as well, more often than not taken with Kate’s family, because what newlywed couple doesn’t love to have parental supervision.  Not all of their holidays were taken as a couple.  In February 2014, when William was reportedly so occupied with an agriculture course he was unable to join his wife and son on holiday, a photo emerged showing Jecca had joined Prince William on a trip to Spain for some boar hunting.

Given the state of their union to this point, it appears likely Kate and William have some kind of arrangement which affords William certain freedoms while in return Kate gets to have a title the public and media rarely use and a seemingly endless supply of jeggings.  Not exactly the romance of the century but given how far from idyllic Kate’s courtship with Prince Not-So-Charming was, it’s hard to tell exactly where a bumpy path becomes a rocky road.

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Prince Harry’s New Squeeze?

Prince Harry is rumored to have filled the vacancy in his heart that Cressida left with a former Miss Edinburgh, Camilla Thurlow, who has been described as “the life and soul of the party”.  The two were spotted snogging outside of Guy Pelly’s Tonteria and it’s been reported Camilla has been to Prince Harry’s apartment at Kensington Palace twice.

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The 25 year-old 5’3″ brunette with hazel eyes has been called a Kate Middleton look-alike.  While I have written many critical things about Kate, even I find that statement cruel.

Camilla stated in her Miss Earth profile, “For me sport dominated my school career, however I was also a member of the school choir and performed in the house play Steel Magnolias.”  She also indicated she loves spending time with her family and possesses a passion for art.

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Could Camilla be the new Waity?  Over-processed brown hair, hazel eyes, check.  Sports background, check.  Interest in the theatre and arts, check.  Strong familial bond, check.  Tragic make-up, check.  Life’s ambition, check please.

Under the Ambitions category on her Miss Earth application Camilla indicated, “I would like to go travelling when I leave university as I missed out on having a gap year… I am also saving up for a volunteer holiday working with sea turtles in Costa Rica which I, and a friend, have been planning for a long time. I would like, one day, to settle down but my main ambition is to always try and enjoy life and get as much out of it as I can and to be happy.”

Fantastic, a girl whose goals involve holidays, traveling and getting the most out of life. OMG, has Kate become a life-coach?

Pictures of Camilla Thurlow are few and far between.  I’m trying to retract the claws on this one but were the other contestants in the Miss Edinburgh pageant livestock?  I tried locating Camilla’s sash/tiara picture but the only photo I could find was this one which to me appears to have been taken in a dorm room with a bathroom as the backdrop.  Always classy.

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Despite working for Princess Diana’s charity, The HALO Trust, for the last year and being rumored to be a friend of Prince Harry bestie, Guy Pelly, Camilla doesn’t strike me as the suitable future duchess-type which almost certainly means she will be the one.

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Seven Kitchens Kate

Okay, I’m a bit confused.  Which admittedly happens quite a bit, but usually not with basic math.  When Kate Middleton and Prince William moved into Kensington Palace, Apartment 1A had three kitchens, two of which were staff kitchens, with a family kitchen on the ground floor.  Kate added a second private kitchen for Cambridge-use-only, which means they’ve now got four kitchens.  Three plus one equals four.  So why is the press taking jabs at Kate by referring to her as Two Kitchens Kate?

Maybe the press doesn’t count the two staff kitchens, used by their staff of over twenty?  The twenty-plus staff who were moved into newly refurbished offices at Kensington Palace, the cost of which remains undisclosed but still paid for by the taxpayer.  The twenty-plus staff that the press conveniently glosses over because Kate is just so much like us.  I keep my staff of twenty plus in the castle I had been using for sweater storage because my flying monkeys kept getting tangled up in their hair.

So really Kensington Palace has four kitchens unless of course Kate sealed off the two staff kitchens, perhaps thinking that commoners are like cats, once you feed them, they keep coming back.  Let them eat cake, just elsewhere please.

There are also two staff kitchens at Anmer Hall, one for the guards and another in the nanny’s quarters in addition to the existing $65,000 family kitchen there they are ripping up.  The new kitchen will have an air purifying refrigerator with NASA-designed technology which runs $25,000 a pop, an oven that costs a cool $13,600, a $6,800 sink and tons of pricy gadgets like the Tubie which is a hands-free machine that dries and irons clothing in minutes and will undoubtedly freak out Lupo.

Snow White had seven dwarfs, Waity has seven kitchens.  This modern fairytale sucks, I don’t think even Disney could make it endearing, there are just far too many characters walking around with poisoned produce.

Despite Kate having a kitchen for every day of the week, the press is sticking with the moniker Two Kitchens Kate.  And as Waity Katie knows, once the media latches on to a nickname it sticks.  With all the public grumblings and turning tides, Kate should be working her ass off.  There was a flicker of hope there for a second a couple of weeks ago but Kate probably spied an LK Bennett sale happening on the path of least resistance, decided the whole effort thing blows and had her assistant call for one of the Bentleys.

Instead of proving herself to be more than a pampered pet, Kate’s July calendar has remained clear following her July 1st engagement, save for the awkward unofficial Wimbledon appearances where her clapping looked like a PSA for helmet safety and the exhausting Tour de France ribbon cutting on July 5th shown in this screen grab:   

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Ribbon cutting isn’t neurosurgery so I’m not sure why she required a two-prince-assist.  It is kind of cool though that there are photos for the history books of the precise moment the British Royal Family jumped the shark.

Kate will be attending the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow on July 28th and 29th, so until then Kate will be doing whatever it is Kate does while the nanny and various taxpayer-funded household staff take care of Kate’s so-called hands-on duties as mother and homemaker.  My theory has been that Prince William has a laser pointer and Kate runs around trying to catch the red dot but I’m sure she watches television too and probably plays with balls of yarn.

In order to restore Kate’s image following the recent unflattering press, there appears to be an attempt to refocus attention on Kate as a mother complete with golden halo and harp music.  There are quite a few stories about how Prince George cried through his breastfeeding stage, not sleeping through the night until the beginning of this year when solid food was introduced into his diet.  If the story was intended to garner sympathy, I admit I do feel bad that seventy-one year old Nanny Webb had to go through all that.  I’m not so sure the story did much to bolster Kate’s reputation.  The problem with obvious PR moves is people aren’t a fan of the obvious.  Deception is far more palpable if it has at least some entertainment value.  I will forgive a lie much more easily if it involves a dance number, train hoppin’ hobos and a monkey.

Babies are a PR goldmine, normally the public will forgive even the most egregious behavior with just a hint of a new bundle of joy.  In previous posts, I predicted Kate would try to line up getting pregnant with the spare to coincide with the Royal Household Annual Accounts reports released at the end of June.  Well, it’s being reported that Jessica Hay, a former school friend of Kate’s, has confirmed Kate is pregnant.  Pregnancy rumors are nothing new for the Duchess of Doolittle except this is the same former friend who accurately reported Kate was pregnant the first time around so it has some credibility.  While it could just be a planted rumor Kate tried to make seem more believable by giving her stomach what appeared to be a pregnancy pat at the Tour de France event, Kate’s face does seem like it’s either retaining fluids or dermal fillers.

Regardless, the spare is inevitable.  A second will give Kate a nice nine month break before a year of maternity leave, plus however many years she can pull off saying that her family is her first priority and the reason she can’t do more engagements.  I have the highest respect for mothers but when Kate married Prince William, she took a duchess title that came with duties.  She said, “I do”, not only to a man, but to a commonwealth as well.  Kate is provided with an extensive staff to be able to perform the duties expected of her, funded by taxpayers.  If Kate wishes to live the lifestyle of a private citizen, she should do so without the allocated resources of a fulltime working royal.

The more Kate and Prince William try to live as private public figures, the more they alienate those who fund their lifestyles.  Why should taxpayers pay an undisclosed sum somewhere in the millions of dollars for their annual security protection when the UK’s Laziest Royals put in so few official engagements, then complain about their lack of privacy as they wait to live in the secluded luxury of Anmer Hall, away from photographers and cell phone cameras?  In a curious move some speculated was part of Prince William’s broader campaign to control the media, the United for Wildlife charity cricket match on Monday was declared a private event, shutting out freelance photographers and attaching copyright terms to the released photos.  The couple is also reported to be asking for the airspace above Anmer Hall to be declared a no-fly zone, filing a claim that photos taken at the end of May were below the legally required 500 feet.  The CAA is still trying to determine if there’s enough evidence to even launch an investigation into their claim but have indicated that the rules were the same for royal residences as they were non-royal ones.  With all their privacy complaints and scheduled move to seclusion, it kind of sounds like they are on their way towards writing a 35,000 word manifesto about technology and freedom.  Hopefully the next Kate Effect doesn’t involve hoodies and aviator sunglasses.

Normally babies are a jackpot in terms of public perception but I doubt Kate’s second pregnancy will have a tremendous restorative impact on her image.  July could have marked a turning point on how Kate would be historically remembered, but she has instead chosen inaction as her course.  I really don’t think it matters what Kate Middleton does past this point or how many cute Prince Grumpy Cats she gives birth to, if she is called Waity Katie, Lazy Katie or Two Kitchens Kate, historically she is likely to be referred to as the woman who sank the British Monarchy.  I always hope for the best from people but I fear Kate truly may be hopeless.

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Memorial Day Kardashian/Cambridge Mashup

If Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are the #worldsmosttalkedaboutcouple, then the world has come down with a case of laryngitis.  Crowds of teens gathered outside the wedding venue weren’t there to catch a glimpse of the bride and groom, they were holding up Justin Bieber signs in the hope that the singer would show up as a wedding guest.  The bride and groom haven’t been trending on Yahoo, but among those who have been are Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze’s widow who married jeweler Albert DePrisco, Harry Potter who is fictional and actress Juliette Binoche who is at Cannes.  In fact, the closest thing I saw to Kimye in the Trending Top Ten is Finnish race car driver Kimi Raikkonen.

Kim’s third trip down the aisle was decidedly less star-studded than the wedding her last groom declared was all a sham.  Beyonce and Jay Z opted to not be part of Cirque de so Overplayed.  Vogue editor Anna Wintour was unable to attend because of a family obligation.  Brother Brody Jenner offered the excuse that he was going to be DJing in Chicago at the time.  And brother Rob Kardashian flew to Paris only to turn around and come home after the bride-to-be reportedly chastised him for not losing weight for her wedding, thus making Rob Kardashian the only member of his family who appears to have any self respect.

While America has answered this self-hyping couple with the sound of crickets, I think we need to go one step further and lock up the US while the Kardashian clan is still in Europe, chains, padlocks, whatever it takes.  Rob Kardashian can stay since he appears to only be an asymptomatic carrier of Kardashian Famewhoreitis although he will need to be quarantined if he’s responsible for any Typhoid Mary-type Twitter Selfie Outbreaks.

Kim Kardashian’s Givenchy wedding dress was a “sexy” version of the Kate Middleton wedding dress, proving that even boring can be turned trashy in the skilled hands of a former sex tape star.  Rebecca Potzner posted a pic of the wedding dress on Instagram, I took a screen grab of it to show Kim Kardashian’s Kate Middleton-inspired wedding dress and veil.  Still not a fan of the cocoon effect the veil has, especially since we know what’s going to hatch from it.

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In case you missed the starpulse.com article about Kate Middleton and Prince William, it’s a must-read account of the growing animosity both inside and outside palace gates towards the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle’s disregard for duty.  The article a well-articulated overview of mounting tension within the family that also highlights how Kate lies to get out of events, claiming the Queen told her not to worry about duties and just enjoy her family.  Lazy Kate has been spinning a yarn to get out of work even before she was duchess, the paparazzi, deceased mother-in-law, Prince William, pregnancy and Prince George have all been her offered excuses.  Now Kate’s pinning her lazy ways on someone who no one would dare question, the Queen.  No wonder Kate never wears pants, the liar liar would perpetually find them on fire.

Kate’s love of full skirts in windy conditions has sparked a new privacy debate about a photo being auctioned of Kate’s bare bum which was exposed at the Blue Mountains event.  Kim Kardashian isn’t the only one with a famous ass, the backside of Kate, Duchess of Kambridge can get some attention, too.  Here’s a look behind the bum scandal scenes, Wills does not look happy: http://lookagiraffe.tumblr.com.

This isn’t the first time Kate has flashed her bare bum, and I’m not talking about the bottomless bikini balcony pics from France or her exposed backside at Calgary or all of the so-called wardrobe malfunctions.  Kate was a serial mooner in her younger days, earning her the nickname Kate Middlebum in Marlborough College for her frequently dropping trou to expose her bare behind to boys to improve her popularity.

Kate already had one wardrobe malfunction on the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour, she’s aware of both underwear and the extra-windy conditions related to air travel, she might be dim-witted but she’s certainly not headless.  Given that in her younger days, she exposed herself to make boys like her, it seems not much has really changed, except she’s not a teenager anymore, she’s a duchess, wife and mother with a history of using exhibitionism to help fuel her feelings of self-worth.

What’s interesting about this reported photo auction is that there is one at all.  Usually the public hears about Kate’s “Marilyn Moments” and thinks the duchess flashed a bit of thigh when in reality, she showed much more at these events.  As much as the paparazzi is reviled, there is an ethical code most adhere to when it comes to embarrassing wardrobe malfunction photos of First Ladies, Royals and other respected female public figures.  Photographers might show a copy to a family member or friend but the embarrassing images of respected public figures are never sold, e-mailed or posted on the internet, they remain in the possession of the photographers who took them.  Despite Queen Elizabeth’s use of hem weights and careful clothing selections, there have been a couple of slight wardrobe malfunction photos taken during her sixty-two year reign that will never ever see the light of day out of respect to the monarch.  Kate never earned that same kind of respect because of her pre-Duchess days as Waity Katie and The Mattress.

For those who don’t know the history of The Mattress moniker, Prince William’s security detail is credited for coming up with it because of how poorly Prince William treated Kate while they were dating.  No matter how cruelly or coldly Prince William was to her, she would always run to answer his late-night booty calls so she could have the perceived honor of sexually pleasuring the Petulant Prince she called Big Willie.  Kate was his sex doormat.

It’s hard to respect someone who doesn’t respect herself and few really believed Prince William would actually marry The Limpet, as Prince Harry referred to Kate.  When Prince William did say I do, Kate benefited from a reserve cache of respect she got through marriage, the press kept the more embarrassing wardrobe malfunction photos out of the mainstream media and photographers would e-mail them to friends or anonymously post them online.

This Blue Mountains photo auction would suggest Kate’s used up the last of the press protection she received through marriage.  If Buckingham Palace does manage some legal maneuver to get the sale squashed or attempts to procure it using other means, I suspect some of the more embarrassing Kate photos from the past will surface as a gentle reminder to the Palace that they have been benefiting from photographer restraint.  In addition to Kate’s potential pre-Duchess indiscretions and official engagement wardrobe malfunctions, it’s been strongly hinted that far more intimate photos from the French balcony series exist, one set is rumored to show Kate kneeling before her prince en plein air.

The Lazy Duo’s reputation as a couple isn’t helped by Prince William deciding he wants to take another transitional year as an air ambulance helicopter pilot.  With only a few months to go on his transitional year between RAF pilot and full-time royal, Prince William wants to further stall the inevitable full-time duties of his birthright.  He’s thirty-one, a father, a husband and… what’s that other thing… ah, yes a Prince, it’s a little late in the game to be scrambling to think of other things he’d rather be.  If his birthright is so loathsome, he should remove himself and his son from succession instead of engaging in never-ending attempts to have the perks of royalty without any of the responsibilities.

Of course, the real appeal of the new pilot job might be the regular hours he will be spending away from Kate.  The new gig means Kate will receive her favorite gift of all, more possible excuses not to work, like taking care of Prince George all by her lonesome, with only a nanny, a housekeeper who serves as back-up nanny, a personal assistant and a whole support team of staff to help out when Prince William is away.

Prince George is revealing that he’s kind of a badass as far as babies go.  He rocks a bit of a punk mohawk, dives right into baby mosh pits, swiped a little girl’s doll and made her cry, his teething style is pure Ozzy Osbourne, and he drools and craps in his pants just like Hugh Hefner.

Prince George racked up a ton of cool stuff while on the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour like a surfboard and skateboard, but he didn’t have to budge an inch to score the latest gift, an aviator jacket that was given to Prince Charles on his Canada tour.  So now Prince George is like Top Gun cool.

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The latest on Prince George’s antics reveals that when met his second cousin, Mia, who is the daughter of Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall, he started a food fight, described by Mia’s Dad as “carnage”.

Prince George can’t even talk yet and the tiny terror already has far more personality than both of his parents combined.

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Royals Lost and Lola Found

Prince Harry, Prince William, Prince George and Kate Middleton remain MIA.  Too bad that show Without a Trace was canceled, they were super good about finding people.  Prince William was last seen yesterday on a flight to Dallas/Fort Worth, Prince Harry was last spotted in Memphis on Saturday (it’s being reported a “source” confirms they have both left Tennessee, though, but no further word on their travel plans), and Kate Middleton and Prince George have been missing since Australia.

Um, should we be putting their pictures on milk cartons?  It’s a little spooky one of the most photographed families in the world has vanished.  Right now there’s no word if the two Princes have even left the United States, so why the veil of secrecy?  Have the Windsors secretly joined forces with the Kardashians and soon E! will be announcing a new spin-off called Kourtney, Khloe, Kate, Kwilliam and Kharry Take Miami?

If Prince William travelled to Memphis from the rumored secret Middleton Switzerland Ski Trip, it turns out I’m one of the few who finds that shocking.  Nothing seems to phase more seasoned royal watchers when it comes to Princes William and Harry and Kate Middleton taking off without leaving a note on the fridge.

We might not be able to find them, but I was scanning a list of recent search engine terms that others have used to find my blog and thought I’d list just a few (with some commentary) to show why the modern monarchy needs a lot more than Kate’s hair and Prince George’s grumpy faces for an enduring positive public image.

LoveLolaHeart recent search engine terms:

redheartbulletpoint waity katie (the #1 search engine term!)

redheartbulletpoint duchess doolittle

redheartbulletpoint waity katie lazy

redheartbulletpoint lazy katie

redheartbulletpoint lazy kate middleton (huh, there seems to be a trend emerging)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton waity katie (geez, you wait around a decade for a guy to marry you and no one lets you forget it)

redheartbulletpoint lazy royals

redheartbulletpoint love lola kate middleton (thanks to my supporters and #1 fan for making me searchable by name. Hi, temi!)

redheartbulletpoint laziest royal (that’s an accomplishment, Kate, you’re #1! Yay?)

redheartbulletpoint duke & duchess doolittle (a well-matched couple)

redheartbulletpoint prince william and kate are lazy (yeah, I noticed that, too)

redheartbulletpoint lazy duo royals (Lazy Duo Royals sounds like the absolute lamest superhero team, sort of like that one Wonder Twin who can just turn into some form of water)

redheartbulletpoint love lola heart prince william (awww, and I got top billing on those searches, too!)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton is lazy

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton bottomless photos

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton wind

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton vagina

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton crotch shots

redheartbulletpoint catherine middleton is lazy (well, at least some people are finally calling her Catherine)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton pussy red dress (somewhere my Mom is just beaming with pride)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton nude (I probably disappointed some people looking for the balcony pics)

redheartbulletpoint lazy duchess of cambridge (on the bright side, they’re addressing her by her royal title)

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton vapid (at least they didn’t call her lazy)

redheartbulletpoint ayers rock kate grabs her crotch

redheartbulletpoint kate middleton is a lazy slut

redheartbulletpoint kate duchess manipulative

redheartbulletpoint prince william looks bored with kate and george (to be fair, lots of us are bored with kate)

Congratulations, British Royal Family!  It seems the future Queen Consort is regarded as a lazy vapid promiscuous manipulative flasher whose only accomplishment has been waiting around a decade for a man to marry her.  Producing an heir didn’t even show up under the search engine terms used to find this blog.  And Prince William is right there next to her on the lazy scale.  This perception issue is easily mended by having them leave the Palace and resorts every now and then and make some contributions to society.  With all the royal advisors on staff whose salaries are footed by taxpayers, why hasn’t anyone made this a priority yet?

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Once Upon A Time Three Years Ago

Once upon a time in the United Kingdom, a commoner known as Waity Katie walked down the aisle where her Prince was waiting.  She emerged from the church a Duchess and asked her new husband, “Isn’t this the happiest day of your life?”  The Prince shook his head no.  “This fuss, Catherine.  It’s all too much for me.”

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Once upon a time was exactly three years ago.  Thankfully I was in Greece at the time and missed most of the pre-wedding hype.  Regretfully, I didn’t stay longer to avoid the exhaustive recap on every single channel.

With the exception of Kate’s makeup which reporters indicated was done by the bride herself, Kate’s bridal attire was celebrated as modern and elegant.  Personally I found it a bit underwhelming, I mean if I suffered from some sort of major head trauma that caused me to lose all self-respect and wait eight years for a guy to marry me, my dress would be made out of diamonds and there would be uplighting installed on my shoes.  But whatever, I was going through some serious post-Greece feta withdrawal at the time and thought as long as she was happy what did it matter.  She just needed someone to show her how to properly apply eyeliner, her makeup was way too transvestite hooker and not in a good way.

I liked the idea of a commoner marrying her Prince.  No one should be told who to love.  I decided to refinish a cabinet in a shade of Creamy Delicious Feta White and wondered what charities the Duchess would support.

It would be almost nine months after the wedding before Kate announced the four charities she would start out with: Action on Addiction, East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices, The Art Room and The National Portrait Gallery.  Waity Katie became Lazy Katie, with critics pointing out Kate has always been work-shy.  The term work-shy amused me, I imagined her growing very bashful and timidly blushing around anything involving effort.

It wasn’t a fantastic start for Kate.  The Queen was vocal about her displeasure with the display of Kate’s wedding dress that Kate reportedly had supervised, declaring it “creepy”.  During a viewing of her dress, Kate who has a degree in Art History infamously asked if the antique Fabergé eggs were still being made.

In November of 2011, Prince William and Kate granted an interview for UNICEF.  The Prince was articulate, Kate stumbled over words she parroted back, and news anchors across the world snickered at the blinking and babbling of a seemingly dim-witted Duchess.

We were assured she was adjusting.  The Press focused on her beauty, because if we stared at her gorgeous locks long enough, it would be like one of those stereogram pictures, we’d see the image of a bright exciting future for the monarchy.  Or a hamburger, it kinda depended on the lighting.

Three years after the wedding and Kate is still struggling with a job for which she campaigned for over a decade.  Stalked, actually.  If this had been any other job, she would have been fired long ago for incompetence and a deplorable attendance record.

Laughably, the press is claiming that Cressida Bonas has decided not to marry Prince Harry because she and Kate had a heart-to-heart and Kate was very upfront with her about how busy she always is which made Cressida balk at the idea of always being swamped with royal duties.  Of course, to Kate, who has never actually had a real job, thirty-five or so engagements a year might seem like an overwhelming amount of work.  It’s so exhausting trying to pretend to care about things, she has to smile AND wave at most of these events, but assuming this leak wasn’t calculated PR to boost Kate’s work-shy image, it really makes me worry about Cressida if she can’t hack Lazy Katie levels of leisure.

I want Prince Harry to be happy, I want everyone to be happy, it’s one of my strange afflictions, but I’m starting to think maybe Cressida isn’t the one for him.  Any woman who needs convincing to be with Prince Harry and be “willing to take the job” doesn’t deserve him.  Yes, marrying into that family does require a lot of sacrifice, but if you truly love someone, you willingly face those challenges to the best of your abilities because you love that person.  All of us come with challenges.  Love is like Ikea furniture, it takes a huge amount of effort to track down, when you finally find what you want and manage to get it home, you discover it didn’t come with instructions and half the hardware is missing.  It’s maddening at times, can require multiple trips, maybe there are meatballs along the way, but somehow you figure it out.

How hard can being a Duchess be?  Kate Middleton has been doing it for three years and she’s terrible at it, but apparently it comes with the ultimate job security.  Lazy Katie has done a phenomenal job of setting the bar so low that whomever fills the #2 Duchess slot can just slide in without a lot of looming expectation.

The Royal Wedding feels like an eternity ago.  Three years ago when I was trying to find a channel that wasn’t devoted to Royal Wedding coverage, I never imagined I would find myself writing about Kate Middleton.  Most of my reader base is now comprised of others who are frustrated by Lazy Katie’s disinterest in her duties and every now and then I’ll get a nice note from one of my readers encouraging me to continue covering the Duchess of Doolittle which always seems to come just when I need it.  My intention has always been to write these posts until Kate learns to use her powers for good but sometimes I wonder if that’s an unrealistic goal.  She’s been doing this for three years now and has settled so firmly into underperforming I wonder if she’ll ever actually try to do the job she spent a decade trying to get.  At what point do objections become rants?  Where exactly is the fine line between protesting the social obliviousness of a Doolittle Duchess and Morrissey manifesto?  Can someone please let me know when I reach it? I kinda feel like you have to have some kind of talent to successfully pull off a Morrissey and I keep meaning to pick some up, I just forget.

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