Tag Archives: Wimbledon

Back to the Future Heir & Hair

Lately I’ve  been a little  quiet on the topic of Prince William and Kate, there are only so many ways you can describe beige paint drying.  The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge seem far less into the whole being royal thing than the ninety-year-old  monarch who endlessly shows up in my Twitter feed at various engagements.   But here’s a  little catch-up.

Queen Elizabeth II has said, “I have to be seen to be believed.”  According to an April 20th Telegraph article, the only color “she avoids is beige, which does not allow her to stand out in a crowd”.   In contrast, Kate appears to go to great lengths not to even stand out on her own beige couch.  Except of course when it counts.

On Saturday June 11 at Trooping the Colour, Kate managed to make her way  to the front of all the royals waiting to join the Queen and Prince Philip on the balcony.

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When  Kate stepped out on the balcony, she wound up causing a pile-up as she vied for a  prime spot.  Prince Charles had to take Camilla by the hand and gently ease her to the side.

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Because what’s the point of going to Trooping the Colour if you can’t be seen  on the balcony?

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Kate’s efforts not to be obscured because of royal protocol paid off for her.

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For the Trooping  the Colour celebrating her 90th birthday, Her Majesty wore  a nuclear  green coat and dress by Stewart Parvin and matching Rachel Trevor Morgan hat.

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It was the hue equivalent of the toon-killing Dip in Who Framed Roger Rabbit and the vat of chemicals  that turned Red Hood/Jack Napier into Batman’s nemesis The Joker.

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That’s kinda badass.  And the Queen did go a little Her Royal Honey Badger on William on the Trooping the Colour balcony, reminding William that taxpayers do expect to see members of the Royal Family.

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At the Order of the Garter on June 13th, royal-watcher Jennifer @Chic_Happens_ noted that after five years, Kate was finally taking standard royal precautions  against  the elements.

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Given how long it’s taken, did perhaps the Queen have a stern word  with the Serial Flasher?

Her Majesty is known to take a laissez-faire approach to running her family.  With the revelation this week that scandal-prone Andrew took a £5,000  helicopter ride to play a round of golf with the World Bank president (added to the Court  Circular the day after the press inquired about it), the Queen really needs to go full-on honey badger with certain members of her family.

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One of the Queen’s black patent leather loafers should be aimed at the heir to the heir. At a June 22nd EACH charity gala, Prince William could barely hide his boredom.

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EACH-2While Kate still can’t hold a wine glass properly, at least she didn’t look like she deeply resented children with life-threatening illnesses for making gala attendance necessary.

The event was part of the efforts to raise £10million for a new hospice in Norfolk launched in November 2014.  To date, only a quarter of the goal has been reached.  In contrast, a May 27th CNN article indicated Ben Ainslie had already reached £50 million of the £80 million target for his bid to win the America’s Cup.

Both William and Kate looked like a lifetime has passed since Kate  last wore the blush pink Jenny Packham gown she had on at the EACH gala back in 2011.

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How hard  is it being royal?  It’s not like the Cambridges do a whole lot of royaling  anyway.   At the Battle of Somme tribute, they looked like a couple that sits on porch rockers with blankets tucked  around them as they forecast the weather by the aches  in their joints.

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They are 34  years  old, the same age as Anne Hathaway and Eddie Redmayne, William’s Eton classmate.

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In this screen grab side-by-side, the picture of Anne was taken one month  after she gave birth.

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Kate is a fashion pendulum swinging in between sexy and elderly.  At the Battle of Somme tribute, Kate sported a hair net which have only been worn by cafeteria workers and fast food employees in the last 80 years.

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On Wednesday Kate glammed it up at the National History Museum, presenting the Art Fund of the Year award.  She wore a  stretch jersey dress with mesh insets by Barbara Casasola.

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I love this dress and thought it looked gorgeous on Kate.  Not sure what the two buttons are, maybe Kate had panic buttons installed on her bum.

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This level of cling on me would provide the kind of visual horror that would forever haunt anyone who happened  to see me in it.  This dress is not cellulite-friendly but on Kate it looks great.

The off-the-shoulder dress had a  front zip which added both an element of  sexiness and sportiness to it.

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According to Rebecca English’s Daily Mail piece, Kate accessorized with a pair of pink heels that were so high, she wobbled in them.

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And  these were some of the expressions Kate wore in the pics from the same article.

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I would take this entire blog down in exchange for whatever pharmacological grab bag Kate’s got her hands on.  I mean drugs are bad, kids, stay in school.

Kate was back to what she does best on Thursday, sitting in the Royal Box at Wimbledon and meeting celebs.  The Sun has a photo from her Venus Williams Snapchat video, pics of some of the celebs with whom she rubbed shoulders as well as an amusing comparison between Kate and Sansa, listing Kate’s occupation as “Mum of Two”.   It’s always refreshing when the media doesn’t try to pretend she does much in the way of duchessing.

Hope all of you are having the loveliest of summers! Thanks to all who have inquired about me.

redheart

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Kate’s True Colours

On Wednesday, Kate Middleton showed her true colours and took a break from her extended maternity leave to enjoy the royal perk of prime Wimbledon seats.  Dressed in a new vibrant red LK Bennett dress with a new haircut and what looks to be new hair extensions, Kate’s appearance seemed like a classic post-break-up f.u. move, getting all glammed up in attention-grabbing red with altered locks to symbolize a new chapter in life while dancing to Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive on the inside in order to show the ex it’s his loss.

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I’m not really sure what split in Kate’s mind could have provoked this classic Kate break-up move. Kate never even flirted with Work so it’s not like that relationship could have ended and if Kate and Sense of Duty ever were really together, it obviously ended ages ago.  Kate and Black Eyeliner are still hot and heavy and going by recent paparazzi photos, Kate and Jeggings are still very much an item.  Perhaps Kate finally ended it with Pretending to Care, a pre-emptive strike against those who would question why Kate couldn’t be bothered showing up at the 7/7 Memorial the day before but could be coaxed out of extended maternity leave in order to sit in the Royal Box at Wimbledon.

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Do you have any chloroform on you, Darling? I want to invite Andy Murray over to Anmer to play.

Unfortunately, the Palace does still have to promote the whole Kate Charade and scramble for ways to hide the fact that Kate can’t be bothered with the responsibilities that came with the Duchess title for which she waited around eight years to have.  Even though Kate is on extended maternity leave for which she doesn’t work enough to qualify, the Palace is hard at work creatively padding her event numbers because her paltry annual engagement totals are always at the bottom of the family’s list.  The birth of Charlotte and Sunday’s christening showed up in the Court Circular as official engagements for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

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Granted, being in labor is the closest thing Kate will ever get to work, but a private christening attended by twenty-two people from which even members of the British Royal Family were excluded counts as an official engagement?  Seriously?  Because they permitted the commoners to wait out in the rain for the honor of looking at their Royal High Horses on their way to a private ceremony?

Four of Princess Charlotte’s christening photos taken by Mario Testino were released this week and they are the perfect metaphor for the Cambridge’s overly-manipulated image that has been distorted to a state of lifeless awkwardness.

Testino was Princess Diana’s favorite photographer, his photos for Vanity Fair were the last portraits for which she sat prior to her death.  He is a highly sought-after photographer, not only for those still seeking anything with a Diana association, but because Testino has one well-honed talent: he makes women look skinnier.

In the group photo, there’s a bit of a fun house effect happening.  Something feels off about it and it’s not until you start to examine it that you see what Testino has done.  Not only has Testino PhotoShopped the Middletons and Windsors into candy-coated perfection, he has moved the subjects and altered the background.

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This is a shot of the Drawing Room at Sandringham, the door on the left in between the two lit sconces is where the group photo was taken.

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That door is significantly smaller in the christening photo, reduced by Testino to one narrow panel, and the lighting fixtures were removed as the entire backdrop was compacted to create an artificial feeling of togetherness between the subjects, some digital slight of hand to artificially manufacture that which the photographer was unable to capture.

Testino cut each figure out, modified them and pasted them into the altered background.  He didn’t get the positioning of the feet correct, though, I have drawn a vertical line using Pippa’s and Carole’s feet as the starting point which should bisect them down the middle.

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Obviously Pippa’s head is turned but if you look at her neck, you can see how far Testino was off when recompiling the elements of the photo, his tinkering also left Pippa’s chest looking like she’s at Picasso levels of lopsided.  With Carole, he’s slightly less off.  And I’m not sure why there is a glowing red line under the couch in the back, perhaps it was left to distract from the pic’s patchwork or maybe it is meant to symbolize the love between William and Kate that is so passionate and intense, it manifests as flaming carpet snakes.

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The beigeness of the Middleton family reportedly caused some issues for Testino who had to work around the Middletons matching their attire to Charlotte’s christening gown.  Pippa’s Emilia Wickstead dress was also too close in shade to the cream colored paint of Sandringham’s drawing room so Pippa had to be repositioned so that James’ dark sleeve could be used to delineate her arm.  A subtle shadow was also added along her nipped-in torso to help keep Pippa from looking like a floating head.

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Back in 2009, Mario Testino told a Telegraph reporter, “The magic comes when a sitter is not self-conscious.”  Too bad Pippa couldn’t make it work with George Percy, perhaps with access to Hogwarts, a little life could have been injected into Charlotte’s christening photos.

Since Charlotte’s christening counted as an official event, I wonder who is picking up Mario Testino’s substantial tab?  Whether the cost is met by the Royal Family or the taxpayer, these stale photographic crumbs were a rip-off and certainly not value for the money in a time of austerity.

redheart

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William and Kate Should Be Tennis Court-Martialed

Kensington Palace has confirmed that on Wednesday July 8th, Prince William and Kate Middleton will be attending some of the quarter-final matches at Wimbledon.  Wimbledon is one of the few events Kate attends in the summer months since becoming the Duchess of Cambridge so it’s not surprising she is emerging from her extended maternity leave to make an appearance in the Royal Box.  Kate will, however, miss the Battle of Britain Anniversary flyover on the 10th, because of maternity leave.  If only the Battle of Britain was fought with yellow fuzzy balls instead of aerial bombs, maybe the former RAF wife would take more interest in the historic event.

But it’s so super hard to care about things when your country estate’s tennis court needs work and is blocking the views of your lush grounds.

Anmer Hall's Current Tennis Court

Anmer Hall’s Current Tennis Court

An application has been filed with the King’s Lynn and West Norfolk council to build a new tennis court at Anmer Hall.

According to the proposal:

“The current Tennis Court needs extensive work to resurface and we have been advised that to resurface we need to remove all the existing Court and start again.

In doing so the landscape designer has recommended that the Court is moved away from current position to the proposed position which involves taking a very small area of Parkland to provide sufficient space around the Court.

The area concerned does not form part of the Ancient Monument and will not have any impact on the Agricultural tenant as the land is so small.

Moving the Court further away from the Hall improves the views from the Hall and locates the Court largely in an area of undeveloped garden.”

Sure, take some land away from a tenant farmer, it’s not like they need land to grow stuff to eke out a living.  According to The Telegraph, the planning application indicated “a tenant farmer was consulted about the refurbishment”.  Even if “a tenant farmer” wasn’t the tenant farmer consulted about losing a portion of land, Amazon still has one of those discontinued Topsy Turvy strawberry planters left that the tenant farmer can pick up, he can just hang it on the porch, he should totally be fine.

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Now, sure, Kate and William could have submitted plans for the tennis court somewhere else on the eighteen acres or so they have around the ten bedroom mansion without having to take down any of the parkland fence, but then they might actually see the tennis court from their new garden room and that could lead to all kinds of breakfast-time awkwardness for Will when Kate finally succeeds in kidnapping Andy Murray.

If the plans for the new tennis court are approved in mid-August by the council, royal funds will graciously be used to “reinstate the fencing and re-erect the parkland iron fencing.”  Wouldn’t want to send any mixed messages to neighbors thinking of wandering over to borrow a cup of sugar by not putting that fence back up, especially since the Cambridges have gone to all the trouble of rerouting the driveway, extensively planted trees for even more privacy, have a battery of Royal Protection Officers on duty 24/7 to closely monitor the grounds and had the Norfolk police hand out letters warning press not to intrude on their privacy expectations after Charlotte’s birth.

Maybe next they’ll build a moat around Anmer Hall, stock it with endangered crocodiles and count every day of duty-ducking privileged seclusion as doing their part for wildlife conservation.

redheart

 

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Seven Kitchens Kate

Okay, I’m a bit confused.  Which admittedly happens quite a bit, but usually not with basic math.  When Kate Middleton and Prince William moved into Kensington Palace, Apartment 1A had three kitchens, two of which were staff kitchens, with a family kitchen on the ground floor.  Kate added a second private kitchen for Cambridge-use-only, which means they’ve now got four kitchens.  Three plus one equals four.  So why is the press taking jabs at Kate by referring to her as Two Kitchens Kate?

Maybe the press doesn’t count the two staff kitchens, used by their staff of over twenty?  The twenty-plus staff who were moved into newly refurbished offices at Kensington Palace, the cost of which remains undisclosed but still paid for by the taxpayer.  The twenty-plus staff that the press conveniently glosses over because Kate is just so much like us.  I keep my staff of twenty plus in the castle I had been using for sweater storage because my flying monkeys kept getting tangled up in their hair.

So really Kensington Palace has four kitchens unless of course Kate sealed off the two staff kitchens, perhaps thinking that commoners are like cats, once you feed them, they keep coming back.  Let them eat cake, just elsewhere please.

There are also two staff kitchens at Anmer Hall, one for the guards and another in the nanny’s quarters in addition to the existing $65,000 family kitchen there they are ripping up.  The new kitchen will have an air purifying refrigerator with NASA-designed technology which runs $25,000 a pop, an oven that costs a cool $13,600, a $6,800 sink and tons of pricy gadgets like the Tubie which is a hands-free machine that dries and irons clothing in minutes and will undoubtedly freak out Lupo.

Snow White had seven dwarfs, Waity has seven kitchens.  This modern fairytale sucks, I don’t think even Disney could make it endearing, there are just far too many characters walking around with poisoned produce.

Despite Kate having a kitchen for every day of the week, the press is sticking with the moniker Two Kitchens Kate.  And as Waity Katie knows, once the media latches on to a nickname it sticks.  With all the public grumblings and turning tides, Kate should be working her ass off.  There was a flicker of hope there for a second a couple of weeks ago but Kate probably spied an LK Bennett sale happening on the path of least resistance, decided the whole effort thing blows and had her assistant call for one of the Bentleys.

Instead of proving herself to be more than a pampered pet, Kate’s July calendar has remained clear following her July 1st engagement, save for the awkward unofficial Wimbledon appearances where her clapping looked like a PSA for helmet safety and the exhausting Tour de France ribbon cutting on July 5th shown in this screen grab:   

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Ribbon cutting isn’t neurosurgery so I’m not sure why she required a two-prince-assist.  It is kind of cool though that there are photos for the history books of the precise moment the British Royal Family jumped the shark.

Kate will be attending the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow on July 28th and 29th, so until then Kate will be doing whatever it is Kate does while the nanny and various taxpayer-funded household staff take care of Kate’s so-called hands-on duties as mother and homemaker.  My theory has been that Prince William has a laser pointer and Kate runs around trying to catch the red dot but I’m sure she watches television too and probably plays with balls of yarn.

In order to restore Kate’s image following the recent unflattering press, there appears to be an attempt to refocus attention on Kate as a mother complete with golden halo and harp music.  There are quite a few stories about how Prince George cried through his breastfeeding stage, not sleeping through the night until the beginning of this year when solid food was introduced into his diet.  If the story was intended to garner sympathy, I admit I do feel bad that seventy-one year old Nanny Webb had to go through all that.  I’m not so sure the story did much to bolster Kate’s reputation.  The problem with obvious PR moves is people aren’t a fan of the obvious.  Deception is far more palpable if it has at least some entertainment value.  I will forgive a lie much more easily if it involves a dance number, train hoppin’ hobos and a monkey.

Babies are a PR goldmine, normally the public will forgive even the most egregious behavior with just a hint of a new bundle of joy.  In previous posts, I predicted Kate would try to line up getting pregnant with the spare to coincide with the Royal Household Annual Accounts reports released at the end of June.  Well, it’s being reported that Jessica Hay, a former school friend of Kate’s, has confirmed Kate is pregnant.  Pregnancy rumors are nothing new for the Duchess of Doolittle except this is the same former friend who accurately reported Kate was pregnant the first time around so it has some credibility.  While it could just be a planted rumor Kate tried to make seem more believable by giving her stomach what appeared to be a pregnancy pat at the Tour de France event, Kate’s face does seem like it’s either retaining fluids or dermal fillers.

Regardless, the spare is inevitable.  A second will give Kate a nice nine month break before a year of maternity leave, plus however many years she can pull off saying that her family is her first priority and the reason she can’t do more engagements.  I have the highest respect for mothers but when Kate married Prince William, she took a duchess title that came with duties.  She said, “I do”, not only to a man, but to a commonwealth as well.  Kate is provided with an extensive staff to be able to perform the duties expected of her, funded by taxpayers.  If Kate wishes to live the lifestyle of a private citizen, she should do so without the allocated resources of a fulltime working royal.

The more Kate and Prince William try to live as private public figures, the more they alienate those who fund their lifestyles.  Why should taxpayers pay an undisclosed sum somewhere in the millions of dollars for their annual security protection when the UK’s Laziest Royals put in so few official engagements, then complain about their lack of privacy as they wait to live in the secluded luxury of Anmer Hall, away from photographers and cell phone cameras?  In a curious move some speculated was part of Prince William’s broader campaign to control the media, the United for Wildlife charity cricket match on Monday was declared a private event, shutting out freelance photographers and attaching copyright terms to the released photos.  The couple is also reported to be asking for the airspace above Anmer Hall to be declared a no-fly zone, filing a claim that photos taken at the end of May were below the legally required 500 feet.  The CAA is still trying to determine if there’s enough evidence to even launch an investigation into their claim but have indicated that the rules were the same for royal residences as they were non-royal ones.  With all their privacy complaints and scheduled move to seclusion, it kind of sounds like they are on their way towards writing a 35,000 word manifesto about technology and freedom.  Hopefully the next Kate Effect doesn’t involve hoodies and aviator sunglasses.

Normally babies are a jackpot in terms of public perception but I doubt Kate’s second pregnancy will have a tremendous restorative impact on her image.  July could have marked a turning point on how Kate would be historically remembered, but she has instead chosen inaction as her course.  I really don’t think it matters what Kate Middleton does past this point or how many cute Prince Grumpy Cats she gives birth to, if she is called Waity Katie, Lazy Katie or Two Kitchens Kate, historically she is likely to be referred to as the woman who sank the British Monarchy.  I always hope for the best from people but I fear Kate truly may be hopeless.

redheart

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